25 Adoption-Related Aspects Most Non-Adopted People May Not Understand

Since reaching their peak in 2004, international adoption numbers have steadily declined while domestic adoption remains common. According to a 2023 population review, the US saw the most inter-country adoptions from India (221) and Colombia (200) out of a global total of 1,228. Recently, a compelling online thread shed light on adoption through the eyes of adoptees. Redditors who were adopted shared what it’s really like, addressing misconceptions and truths that non-adopted people rarely understand. Read on as adults who were adopted as kids explain the realities of their experiences in response to, “People who are adopted: what don’t non-adopted people understand about it?”

#1

Image source: Xannysmademedoit, freepik That some people who are adopted dont care. Its hard too explain, but my erlieast memories are with my adoptive parents so for me they always were my real parents. Making a child is easy, raising one is the hard part. So I never had much desire to Research my biological parents, i know my mother fled from serbia when war started and died soon after my birth when she was in vienna. In fact i often see it, as if adoptive parents have to make a harder decision if they really want THIS child as if it just happens the natural way, so they care and bond is extra strong :).

#2

Image source: beesandflowersandcat, freepik Grew up adopted by well meaning but clumsy parents. Was common to be told about when they "got" me. Like a purchase or something. Lots of ignorant extended family comments about my looks versus my parents. Since this has always been my experience, I know nothing else. Was able to use our state adoption registry to connect with birth mother. Was a sad experience. Not sorry I did it, it's good to know the facts. Reconnecting with a birth parent is not like the movies, it won't fill some parental hole in your heart.

#3

Image source: MTLRGST_II, karlyukav When I tell someone I'm adopted and they ask about my real parents (meaning my biological parents), I get very pissy. With all due respect to the people who conceived me, my real parents are the ones who changed my diapers, who busted their asses to put food on the table and clothes on my back, who drove me to karate/football/basketball/whatever practice, who stressed the importance of education, and most importantly, who loved me completely and unconditionally. THOSE are my REAL parents.

#4

Image source: anon, cookie_studio Short back story. Adopted from South Korea at around 3 months old and into a Caucasian family. Have a twin brother (we were adopted together), have a younger brother (biological son to our adopted parents) and have lived in the US our entire lives. Friends and people who know we were adopted always ask us how come don't want to find our birth mother and have never wanted to. From our understanding, she was very young (teenager) when she became pregnant, and with the surprise of twins, giving us up for adoption was the best thing for us to have a better life. She may very well be situated with a new family of her own now and may have not disclosed she had twins as a teenager and gave them up for adoption. If we were to just suddenly show up in her life, it could cause issues or complications for her. I guess we will never know but we see it is a blessing which gave us a better life. All adoptions are different so this is just our take our reasoning to not wanting to seek out our birth mother.

#5

Image source: AustinTransmog, syda_productions That it can absolutely be a total non-factor. I was adopted at 5 days of age. I don't ever think about my biological parents. The entire subject is of little interest to me, kind of like when you're a kid and your grandparents ask what you learned in school that day. Good for small talk, but that's about it.

#6

Image source: anon, freepik If you were adopted from birth, it pretty much feels like your adoptive parents are your only parents. That's how I will always view them, because that's what they are to me. Best way I can describe it is that quote from Yondu in Guardians: "He may have been your father, but he wasn't your daddy." Also, if I'm making self deprecating jokes about being purchased or what not, it's ok to laugh. That's why I do it. Please don't get offended for me, THAT is what gets annoying.

#7

Image source: anon, bristekjegor That sometimes "you're adopted!" is an appropriate and funny comment. Ex: Me: "I hate chicken wings" My adoptive mother, who would probably live on chicken wings if she could: "Yeah well, you're adopted" Family friend who knows I'm adopted but apparently has no idea how to talk about it: looks shocked and aghast I like to talk about my experience. I like to open the conversation, because there are a lot of people who have no idea how to talk about it, and don't really understand why it's an important conversation sometimes. I get the impression that people want to know but tiptoe around it like they do so many other conversations, like racial identity or religion. These conversations are so often fraught with tension because of ignorance and highly defensive attitudes. People don't understand that some people's family identity is fundamentally different. It's not bad, and it doesn't have to be a big deal, but it's still reality and I think that people should talk about it more. The more people understand the experience of others, the better our world gets. Adoption isn't at all a bad thing. So many kids get new chances at life and that's beautiful. But we all deserve to understand each other. Keep talking about it, and thanks for posting, OP! PM or comment with questions, concerns, criticism, favorite pie recipes....

#8

Image source: Fading_Reception, freepik There are plenty of misconceptions about adoption, mostly spread by the media and jokes on the internet. So we got two different types of adoptions: closed, where the records are sealed and neither party knows much about the other, and open, where one or both parties knows about the other. I'm in a closed adoption, and I was given up in Iowa, adopted by a family in Illinois, and I was told from a very young age. Most families, if not all, will tell you. Keeping it a secret isn't really a thing that happens. Most of the time, when folks find out I'm adopted, they express that they're sorry for me, but I let them know that it's actually a good thing. When I was a kid, my parents explained to me that the reason I was adopted wasn't that I was simply born into a family, but my parents *chose* me, and worked long and hard to bring me into their lives. I have a lot of respect for my family, for that, but it brings some additional tensions. There can be some questions that are brought up throughout your life that you can't answer easily. Doctors asking for your medical history, friends asking why you look different from your family, not being certain if your personality and thought processes are different due to nature, instead of nurture. It's a constant reminder that there's a void in the back if your mind, a mystery that may not have a very good answer behind it. Every time I get angry, I wonder if my biologicals were aggressive. Every time I pick up a drink, I wonder if my biologicals were alcoholics. Every time I consider children, I wonder if I have a latent genetic disease, or if I'm passing on the lineage of a rapist or worse. Every time I consider requesting to unseal the court order, I hesitate. Am I tarnishing my family's efforts to raise me, by searching for the biologicals that didn't want me? Would I want to really know? Do my biologicals sit up at night as I did, wondering where their kin are? **If I meet one or both, would I make them proud for how I lived?** If you think about it, it can eat you up.

#9

Image source: Apollo_Carthage, EyeEm I may be an unusual case but I am really nonchalant about a lot of stuff so I literally put being adopted as just a fact of my life that is important to me as say a favorite color. Yesterday i was with some friends and they asked if I have certain things in my family history and I just said "idunno I'm adopted" I was shocked at how they responded with sorry's and got really akward and empathetic when in reality It didn't seem important to me. Like, why does the fact that I came out if some ladies v****a other than my mom (and as a side note, the lasy that raised you is your mom, not the person that birthed you IMO) even matter? So I guess what I want people to know is chill because it's not a big deal.

#10

Image source: _nataliaalek, EyeEm [sad thoughts] I always wonder if my biological mom ever held me. I wonder why she gave me up, if it was for the best. I wonder what she looks like and if she still thinks of me or just tried to forget me. I recently had my 18th birthday and I couldn’t help but think “she has to be thinking of me.” I really hope I can get in contact with her one day. I feel like part of me is missing.

#11

1. My adopted family IS my family. Do not refer to my biological family as my "real" family. 2. It is complicated forever. Trying to figure out who I am and where I fit in is a daily thing for the rest of my life. Every person deals with it differently. 3. Blood isn't everything. I know that is hard to believe and understand for people who have only known family by blood but I live by it and treat my best friends as family too. And personally, I am very open about my adoption because I believe that my parents handled it very well so I grew up with a healthy knowledge of where I came from. When people ask, I am very open and candid about everything to help people understand. Image source: mmMangos

#12

Different perspective here. I was adopted by my grandparents at 18 months in order to not be a pawn in my bio parents divorce. It was the first adoption of that kind in our province but my grandpa wouldn't back down, he wanted full rights and nothing less. Neither of my bio parents fought him on it, they both willingly signed me away. I lived a great life for eight years with my grandparents being my only mom and dad, I always felt loved and wanted. When I was about 8 my bio mom decided to start the process to get me back. My grandpa slowly started allowing me to visit for the weekends and eventually asked me if I would like to live with my bio mom and my step-dad. I chose my bio mom over my parents who chose to fight for me all those years ago. Why? Because I thought my bio mom would want me this time, that's the lasting effect my adoption has had on me. When my grandma died it finally hit me that her and my grandpa had been my parents all along, even though I chose to live away from them. The grief hit me like a tonne of bricks, forcing me to realize that I had lost my mom forever. My bio mom is only kind of in my life now and even if she was there full time I don't think I would ever truly consider her my mom. Being aware that she chose to not fight for me or want me in her life until it was convenient for her has left lasting resentment towards her. I have nothing but love and respect for my grandparents (my true parents) for being there for me when no one else wanted me. Their love and devotion has left a lasting impact on my life and has greatly effected the way I raise my own children. I will always be greatful to my grandparents for making the choices they did to give me a life I would not have had otherwise. Edit to more directly answer the question: sometimes you are better off not knowing why you were adopted and for myself I'm greatful that I was adopted, I would not be who I am today without my grandparents. Image source: MissRosieCotton

#13

Image source: -AthenaTheWise, rawpixel.com The loss of identity that can potentially happen. For me, I’ve grown up knowing nothing about my biological family, and therefore knowing nothing about my family history or roots. I have a slim to none chance of ever finding them, since I was born in China and my birth name was given to me by the orphanage I was placed at, having no connection to my actual biological family. Also, I’m Chinese and my adopted family is white. I struggled with (and still do) being comfortable with myself and my race. I wished for a long time I could be white, and had a lot of self-hate. So, I think a lot of people may not understand how being of a different race/ethnicity of your adopted family shapes how you view yourself. Overall, I don’t think many people understand how complex it can be.

#14

I am "half-adopted" as we like to call it. Basically my mom is my mom, but when she got remarried her new husband adopted me, instead of just being my stepdad. People don't understand that you don't need to be an orphan or have something terrible happen to you to be adopted. Image source: kristalina07

#15

Heres a story that happened to me. When I was 28, I was working one day at a job unloading a truck that just came in with a lot of stuff. I was the only young guy at the store, so I was going to be really busy. As I was stocking shelves and listening to music, I see this man coming towards me, calling my name. Since its retail, and most of my co-workers tell them to look for me by name I didn't think of anything at first. But then as he started to get closer, my brain did that thing of going "Hey buddy, he looks a lot like you don'tcha think?" I took my glasses off, wiped them, and put them back on, only to realize. Yes, he does look like me. I helped him find something and as he was leaving, he turned around and asked me if I had any idea who he was, and I told him he looked like me. He told me he was my father, and has been trying to contact me for 18 years, but was afraid of how I would react. I broke down that day. He told me he was always there keeping an eye on me. He was even at my graduation, and I never knew it. I've talked with him a few times since that day, since I still don't know how to handle the situation fully. Image source: Lagao

#16

My wife and I are *both* adopted, our children are the only known blood relatives either of us know. I love my adoptive family and am seen and accepted as *family*, but considering the value placed on heritage and lineage in this world, it was overwhelming the first time I realized that I was about to meet my first genetic relation the day my eldest daughter was born. Image source: Fred_Evil

#17

The strange, confused looks you get from doctors when they see you put on your family medical history form "unknown." Like, you've never heard of closed adoption? This can't be that unusual like you've never seen or heard of it before. Image source: Sandbocks

#18

My situation was unique, in that my aunt/uncle took care of me after I was born, because my biological father was in a coma after suffering a heart attack and my mom couldn't deal with all of it. He ended up dying years later, and while I mostly lived with my aunt/uncle, I went back and forth in my early years before they all decided it would be best if my aunt/uncle became my legal guardians. So my aunt/uncle are mom/dad. They are great parents and I have enormous respect for what they did for me, but it was also confusing as a child. I had a relationship with my biological mom and saw her at holidays and for a week or two every summer. She was always very loving as well. But it was hard over time to feel pulled in two directions, and who I should identify with. There was always a pressure to be a son to my biological mom too, but my aunt/uncle always felt like me 'real' parents. There was always some guilt there, and lots of 'what if' thoughts from too young an age. Mostly they were good about it and it wasn't too hard, but it was often confusing. I also wonder if a lot my attachment issues aren't related to those early childhood years of not having a stable caregiver. I am a pretty radically independent person. Image source: bicameral_mind

#19

I'm adopted from China, found on a park bench when I was 3 according to my Chinese records (which were translated into English). People constantly ask me if I know who my parents are and if I want to find them. Its irritating because honestly, I would love love LOVE to know, but I don't even know how to start if I wanted to. I think, I was either clearly given up (on account of being a girl) or they died in a flood that happened around the time I was found that I looked up once. I usually try to respond with an upbeat "nope!" when people ask, but it kind of gets under my skin when they press for more answers. (Particularly when they want to know "WHY?", MYOB.) I'm so fascinated when I see families that look like one another, when you can clearly see the genes passed through the generations, or even things like living habits or facial expressions that are copied from parent to child or sibling to sibling. I often wonder about my genes, and if I have any hereditary diseases that could be potentially passed down to future children (luckily I found out genetics testing exists!) And as an Asian, sometimes when I date Asian guys, I have a small small voice in the back of my head that wonders "could I possibly be related to you?" Also, being raised by a white family, I feel a huge loss of culture. There's so much I want to know about, and so much that can be taught and read about in books/ culture lessons, etc, but overally I just KNOW there's tons of tiny nuanced things about my Chinese culture that I'll never "get" because I don't have that familial tradition of celebrations and rituals during the Chinese specific holidays. Related to that, I think about the future, and what kinds of culture my kids will have. I want them to have my heritage, but is that possible if I feel like I don't wholly have it myself? I also firmly believe that people who spend hundreds of thousands on in vitro fertilization and refuse to consider adoption SOLELY because the kid isn't "theirs" are wrong. You choose your family just as much as you choose your friends, adoption is no different. My family raised me, they are my family. There's so many kids out there who need a loving home. Image source: speakstupidto-me

#20

This isn't necessarily the same for everyone, because I was adopted after my earliest memory, unlike a lot of people, but for me at least, I don't like to see this false dichotomy about who your "real" parents are. It's not so simple, and I don't know that I have any relationship that applicable to the relationships of people with bio parents. All 4 of my parents, adopted, and biological, are people who I have unique relationships with, and I only use the same labels as other people, because that's the simplest way of explaining the situation. Image source: anon

#21

A lot of people kept asking me if i was going to look for my biological parents. i never really cared to. it was not until i had kids that i wanted to know some family medical history. i did a DNS + medical work up and found some interesting results for ethnicity. around the time my dad (adopted) died i found some documents in a lock box and eventually traced down my biological mom ... she died the week before i found all this info. what most people don't get is that i'm ok with this. i had great parents who raised me, loved me, encouraged me. what more do you really need ? i've found that this back ground makes it easier for me to love and consider close friends as family. yea they are not blood related to me ... neither are my parents or brother or sisters ... love is love. Image source: gdunlap

#22

Adoption doesn't give a child a better life, just a different one. I can't see that people look like they're family. I've never seen anyone that looks like my family. I don't know where my maths skill came from, my dancing skill or my love of exploration. I don't know where my freckles came from, my oaks skin, my strange eyebrow (that my daughter has). My first parents were very young, they did what they thought was best. They wanted me in an open, loving, non religious home. The people who adopted me were racist, bigoted and very religious. That over rode my first parents wishes because they gave the social worker a car to get a baby sooner. They then had a natural child, and because of their religious beliefs I was a mistake. They didn't treat me well. Adopting a child is not the same as having a child the normal way. It is not better or worse, but it is different. Image source: Lil-Lanata

#23

Image source: ItsTrueChaos, benzoix I was born in Cambodia but was adopted when I was about 8 months old. I lived basically my whole life in the USA. I still find it sorta funny that whenever I’m in line with my parents, everybody thinks I’m just a separate kid. Occasionally I would walk next to my parents and people would ask me if I was lost.

#24

Image source: Active_Potato, Stockbusters This is just my experience as a bi-racial guy in an all white family but the looks I get from other people (even some in the distant family) is something that will always make me feel a bit inferior. Had the pleasure of traveling with my family to both Alabama and Nashville, and people stared at me as if I don't belong. To piggyback off of that, I always thought my parents told their siblings about how I came to be in the family (and they told they're kids) but they didn't and at the last annual get together one of the younger kids (4-5) asked me is it because my parents didn't want me that I am in their family. (She also asked if was I making brownies because I was brown. Had a good laugh about that one, her parents didn't.) Should mention I was taken into my family at age 18 (23 now).

#25

My adopted parents are my "real" parents. I've noticed that when people hear I'm adopted the first question is usually "Do you know your REAL parents?". Yes, that'd be the folks who raised me. I know them quite well. To answer your question, I have indeed met my biological parents. Image source: jdevin13