25 Bizarre Legal Battles That Make You Feel Sympathy For The Presiding Judge
Ridiculous and unique cases that should have never made it to court.
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One time, when I was in a rural courthouse for a driving offence, there was a legal battle over a coconut. The tree bordered two properties, and one party was suing the other for stealing a fallen fruit. It was a ludicrous offence to bring before a court of law, let alone the astonishment of the presiding judge at having to deal with something so petty, but sadly, that’s the state of affairs we deal with now.
One Reddit thread is dedicated to posting all such crazy court stories, from accusing a neighbouring female of being a witch to pointing the finger at another who stole manure. Scroll below to read all the most unexpected court cases that prove how utterly absurd people can be.
Image source: emergencyfruit, Brandable Box / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I'm a lawyer considering whether to someday be a judge.
Boyfriend gets dumped in spring, stalks ex-girlfriend for 9 months. He's known to have an obsessive interest in b*mbs and explosives, and is a significant m***head. In December, he delivers a package to ex-girlfriend. There's no return address, but it says "MERRY XMAS B***H", so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who sent it. Ex calls the cops, who call the b*mb squad, who open the package. Inside is a large vibrator that's been hollowed out and filled with explosives. He apparently assumed that she would eagerly use it and blow herself up. This is how you know that men and women think differently...
Image source: Blue_OG_46, Andrej Lišakov / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Worked in LE for a long while. Escorted an inmate to court for his dismemberment and murder charges trial. He chose to represent himself. Context: was infatuated with Charles Manson and cults. Started one that preyed on mentally unstable/ handicap women and [unalived] them if they tried to leave. This poor girl with autism wanted to go home. He [unalived] her with his followers help, chopped her up, and burned the pieces in a dumpster.
His opening statement was something along the lines of "Ladies and gentlemen of the court I just want to clarify that things being inserted into my butt are going to come up in this trial. I'm not gay. I just liked it." The judge said what the f**k, but caught himself before dropping the f-b**b. Everyone in the courtroom laughed at him. It was thrown out and he went for mental health screenings.
I don't miss LE work... at all. I did accrue a s**t load of stories though.
Image source: Rum_N_Napalm, Lukas Kyzur / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Studied forensics, and a defence lawyer told me this story.
He is called to defend a client who accused of robbing a garage in a nearby city. Police found his fingerprints in a coke machine. Yes, IN a coke machine. As in the disassembled a vending machine and dusted it, and found a print on an internal component.
Oh, here’s the catch. The suspect was currently serving a prison sentence at the time of the crime....
So this was the prosecutor’s theory: suspect had broken out of jail, drove 2 hours to that garage, burglarized it, opened up the coke machine, left his fingerprint inside it and nowhere else, reassembled it, drove back 2 hours, and snuck back in jail.
Surprisingly this case didn’t get tossed out laughing and actually went to court. The good news for the suspect is that his lawyer discovered that before his incarceration he happened to work for the business that maintained the coke machine, so he was trying to explain the fingerprint by saying it could have been left there went the suspect performed maintenance.
He hired a fingerprint expert, who was able to demonstrate that police used the wrong method for lifting a print.
Image source: nonlawyer, Andrej Lišakov / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Obligatory “not a judge”, but...
Had my first argument before the Second Circuit, so obviously fairly nervous. The case before me had a very generic name, think “Smith vs. Generic Insurance Corp.” Figured it was going to be dull...
But instead, it turned out that the issue was that Mrs. Smith, a widow, had her husband’s life insurance payment denied.
Why? Husband was an engineer of some sort and had constructed a device to... pleasure himself. He plugged said device into a wall socket on to... “enjoy”... on Easter Sunday, while his family was out, but unfortunately was electrocuted and died. (And presumably was found by his poor family on Easter, pantsless and plugged into the wall).
The insurer tried to deny benefits based on an exclusion for “intentional self-harm.” Cue a solid 20 minutes of the insurer’s lawyer being grilled by very staid and conservative judges as to whether the poor guy actually *intended* to harm himself, or, as one judge put it very mildly... “it seems the deceased intended... well... the opposite.” And the insurer lawyer struggling to articulate why self-harm and sexual pleasure are not always mutually exclusive.
From the questions, it seemed like the widow was likely to win. But man was that awkward for everyone involved.
Image source: Tragedytheone, Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I went to court for a traffic ticket in the state of Mississippi. I was working a project out there. What I found weird is the judge’s ruling on two different cases. First was a woman who wrecked her car, had a child not in a baby car seat, dui, and possession of a controlled substance. He gave her a year probation. No jail time. Next was a lady who’s son had been skipping school and missed X amount of days. Something like 34 days. He put the mother in cuffs right then and there and ordered her to spend the same amount of days in jail that she had “allowed” her son to miss school. I didn’t say anything but I’m pretty sure the look on my face was “wtf”.
Image source: Captk***er77, Tamara Bellis / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I went on a field trip to the court house and two cases were scheduled that day. The first one was assault and the guy said he didn’t whip the ball at his head he only threw it. Second person walked in wearing the things she said she didn’t steal.
Image source: anon, David Clode / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Also not a judge, but I work with a psychologist who does some work in mental hospitals and has to testify as to whether they should or should not be released. Court is over the phone right now because of Covid, so I was privy to the little exchange.
My boss's patient is schizophrenic and was refusing his medication. My boss was testifying as to why he shouldn't be released (violent to his family, active psychosis), much to the patient's displeasure. The patient starts yelling, "Man, I wanna get out of here! It's so nasty. They got SNAKES in here."
The judge replied, "Sir, the quickest way to get released is to comply with your medication. And the medication will also help you with your snake problem....".
Image source: Month-Choice, NordWood Themes / unsplash (not the actual photo)
A little late to the show.....and not a judge....but here’s my strange court related incident.
I was in court for a dog without a leash citation, and to start things off, the judge quiets the room for briefing. She does her spiel and directly after the bailiff walks from the rear of the courtroom up to the bench, leans in to whisper something and hands her an object.
The judges face turns toward us and asks the bailiff, “Where is he!?” “Please come to the stand!”
As a gentleman approaches, the sounds of p**n start playing from the phone that the bailiff handed the judge.
“You have the audacity to watch p**n in my courtroom while I’m briefing everyone!? I can’t believe this...this is a first....” proclaimed the judge.
I don’t quite remember what the charges against the “p**n watcher” were initially but the judge added 72 hours for contempt of court.
Image source: zerbey, Jan Baborák / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Well, I'm not a judge but I was in traffic court once and the following exchange happened:
"So Miss [defendant] you're here for a... seat cushion violation? Is that even a thing?"
"Apparently your honour, the officer said I was too short"
(Long discussion with the state attorney and judge followed, they had white noise but you could see the judge was clearly thinking this was an idiotic ticket).
"How tall are you Miss?"
"About 5 feet"
"This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of, case dismissed".
I looked it up later, there is a real restriction in Florida to say you need a raised seat if you are very short to see over the steering wheel but this is presumably for people with dwarfism or other such conditions rather than petite women.
Edit: apparently this is no longer a thing, the state must have thought it was stupid also.
Image source: photoguy423, why kei / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge, but just remembered this. I was in traffic court because I was a dumb teenager. The case before me was a guy accused of drunk driving. He, in all seriousness, told the judge that the reason his car was swerving wasn't due to intoxication but due to him trying to open a beer bottle with his teeth while driving.
So at least the judge was in a good mood when it was my turn...(he was still laughing at that guy).
Image source: dtran33, Maël BALLAND / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge, but in the US Navy I was a legal officer on a ship. My Captain has the ability to administer punishment for violating military law. We had a Sailor who broke the law and after the Captain found him guilty, the Sailor said he would jump overboard. No one took him seriously and sure enough, he went out to the weather deck and jumped right in the ocean. We had to recover him with one of our small boats and he threatened to do it again...and did do it again a week later.
Image source: MemeFarmer314, Lia Bekyan / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge, but I was going to court as a witness for my neighbor who was seeking a protection order. While we were there we heard several other cases being heard.
In one case, a man was accused of beating his 14-year-old daughter and dragging her out of the car while he hit her on the ground. Mother of the child presents her case and the judge turns to the father and gives him the opportunity to present his case, and asks what happened on that day in the car.
“Well you see the day before...”
“No, I want to hear what happened that day in the car.”
“My daughter has been gettin B’s in school so...”
“No, what happened in the car?”
“She has been texting boys, so...”
“No”
“SHE HIT ME FIRST”
He never really gave a straight answer, but the judge ruled against him. At the next case, there was a similar dynamic of separated parents arguing over a child, and there wasn’t a lot of evidence of a physical danger so the judge said a protection order wasn’t necessary and recommended they deal with it in family court.
Guy from the first case was still around filling out paperwork and started cheering, and the bailiff told him to knock it off. Guy 1 says that he’s from California and cheering is normal in court, and that this court is just racist. This guy was black, the judge was black, the bailiff was black, and pretty much most people on both sides of each case were black.
Image source: HighOnPoker, Andy Quezada / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I was a mediator in small claims court in Queens NY during law school. Mediators attempt to help the parties reach a settlement. A woman brought a claim against a shoe store. According to her, there was a display with shoes for $20. When she got to the register with two pairs of shoes, they charged her $25 per pair. She complained and told the counter person that they were on sale for $20. She brought the counter person to the display and, according to the woman, they had switched the sign so that it now said $25. She paid the $50 and then sued for the $10 extra that she had to pay. The cost for filing the claim was $15. After she told me her story I met with the two lower level employees that the shoe store had sent to the court. They of course denied changing the sign, but I told them they can settle for $10 and leave immediately or they would have to wait for a judge to decide the case. They happily paid the $10. The woman lost five dollars in the transaction.
Image source: shivambawa2000, Dave Hoefler / unsplash (not the actual photo)
My father was a judge. A police officer burned her wife and two kids alive, he was caught later that day. That was one of the most horrible cases he ever presided over.
Image source: anon, benjamin lehman / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge but grand jury, which is where mainly the police testify for indictment on people they've arrested, no judge just DA.
In one officer was in the police station parking lot when a vehicle screeched into the parking lot next to him and a guy jumped out freaking out about how he had taken all these d***s and was now dying. Left vehicle door open, lots of d***s in plain sight, and the guy was fine he just panicked for a minute. Easiest arrest that officer ever had, also easiest indictment.
Image source: TheAdlerian, Emmanuil Androshchuk / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I'm not a judge but have to go to court a lot for work.
I deal with a lot of weird stuff in life and sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream. That or a "simulation" as people like to say because there is no way life is so weird.
Anyway, this little guy gets up and introduces himself to the judge, while his lawyer is standing by him, and says, "Hi your honor, my name is Precious Love, and this is my lawyer, Counselor Frankenstein" and I just stared at them thinking I had gone crazy.
Image source: leakybumthrowaway, Jack Kelly / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Somebody before me went up to the judge and was charged with 23 counts of unlawful detention of an alligator. Yeah, even the judge found it absolutely f*****g hilarious.
Image source: Eclipse616, Marek Studzinski / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a Judge but worked in a courthouse for a summer doing probate work.
The weirdest case I saw was one where a 60 some odd years old woman believed herself to be the reincarnation of the archangel Gabriel.
She tried to murder her neighbors by trying to get in through their back door doogie door while naked and armed with a butter knife.
Image source: phil_e_delfian, Anna Sullivan / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge or officer of the court. Former journalist. Sat through many trials back in the day, and there's a lot of weird to go around.
None was weirder than the trial of Ronald Gene Simmons. Simmons stood accused of k***ing fourteen family members at his compound in Dover AR, as they gathered to celebrate Christmas. Not included in this trial was for the murder of two, and wounding of 4 others in Russellville, AR.
Among the dead was his daughter and granddaughter (the same person), and his daughter, who was also the mother of the child. At this point, one can be forgiven for queueing up I'm My Own Grandpa.
Simmons was more than happy to admit guilt, and accept the death penalty, but (at the time, at least) the death penalty required a trial with both a guilty and penalty phase. Simmons also didn't want legal representation, but that, too, was required for the death penalty.
The trial was largely pro forma, though the court-appointed attorney was actually quite skilled, and did as good a job as circumstance allowed. After the State rested, Simmons insisted, over strenuous objections of counsel, to take the stand. He delivered a rambling tale, drawing heavily on Ephesians and Leviticus, how, as head of household, it was his right to do as he wished. He wanted his daughter/wife to leave her (legal) husband and, with his granddaughter/daughter, to live together, "As God intended." When they didn't he k***ed them and the rest of the family.
Pretty open and shut, but the DA had to, in the unlikely case of appeal, establish that Simmons wasn't crazy, and understood the full consequence of his actions. So, on cross, the DA went at Gene hard, on matters of man and God's law, and his understanding of both. It was as effective as it was bizarre. It seems to have gotten under Simmons' skin a bit, because, as the parties stood before the Judge, discussing the schedule for the afternoon, Simmons, just turned and [knocked out] the DA, in full view of the jury.
The astute reader, by now, has probably figured they jury wasn't out long.
The courthouse was one of those small, rural buildings, alone in a square in the center of town. The locals were driving around the square in trucks and cars shouting, "Burn him!" As the jury deliberated the penalty phase, and other proceedings took place in the courtroom, the media and Simmons, handcuffed to the table, were kept in the same room in the basement. Literally across the table from each other. We didn't talk. He just sort occasionally stared at us, but most often, just off into the space.
One the table between us, was a box of doughnuts that once had a dozen, but only one (glazed with chocolate topping) remained. One of the hardest things in my journalist career was not looking at the k***er, and asking him, "Ya gonna eat that?"
It was a hell of an experience.
Image source: satansfloorbuffer, Lia Bekyan / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge; brother-in-law was clerk of the court for most of a decade.
Dude comes in with an indecent exposure charge; he was walking around the local Target in super shorty shorts, and his lil’ Shortie was longer than the shorts. Okay, this is supposedly fairly straightforward- slap on the wrist and get told to buy longer shorts.
Except it turns out this isn’t this guy’s first rodeo. In fact, it’s his TWENTY-FIFTH rodeo. Dude is an exhibitionist, and this was his MO. He was already banned from all retail establishments in half the counties in the state, and a handful of counties in the neighboring states. At this point he’d had so many convictions that he was looking at 25 to life for f****n’ indecent exposure.
Oddly enough, there was another indecent exposure case involving the other local Target a week later. Dude was standing up in the open bed of his pickup at 2am, cranking it in the Target parking lot.
Image source: AJ3295, Lujia Zhang / unsplash (not the actual photo)
My father was a circuit court judge for a number of years. He used to tell me all kinds of stories, but my favorite was from a divorce dispute. The two sons of the husband and wife were messing around and they made a hole in the wall. The father was upset so he grabbed a hammer and punched a bunch of holes into the wall to prove to the boys how bad the holes look. I don’t remember the exact number, but it was around 90. When the attorney for the wife asked him if it was a good idea the husband said “well...in hindsight...I guess maybe not.” My father said that’s the only time that he’s ever almost burst out laughing in court.
Image source: Q-burt, Ries Bosch / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Obligatory: I am not a judge. My brother's ex-girlfriend got arrested for theft from someone. Turns out, she was stealing manure. (I believe she intended to use it as a prank on someone else.) Turns out, you can be arrested and prosecuted for stealing manure.
Image source: scarlett127, Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge, but my mom had to go to court once because our dog caught and ate a rabbit. We were charged with "endangering wildlife". When the case was called judge laughed and threw the charges out.
Image source: Lost-1Mkarma, Jeremy McGilvrey / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Obviously not a judge BUT I sat in on court proceedings once.
An off duty Police Officer was arrested for driving drunk in the city she worked in. The arguments made by her defense were incredible. First one was that no RN had taken the officers blood. Which a hospital representative clarified this is normal. Reiterated that for something this simple they can have residents/trainees do this as part of their learning. Second one was that the BAC content was higher because the alcohol was fermenting in the bag. That the exposure to air increased this process, thus raising the tested level. Which was promptly shut down by an expert testifying that is not how it works. That alcohol doesn’t continue to ferment and produce higher numbers from a blood sample over time. Finally his last ditch effort! He tried saying the blood was tampered with and/or not tested correctly. There was a chain of custody provided and everything else that was needed to debunk this.
The officer looked very defeated by the end of our sit in. The judge basically had to tell the defense to put something better together. Finally even the judge got tired of this “see what sticks” approach and shut it down.
Image source: StrixxWaya, Andrej Lišakov / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Friend is a judge
Weirdest case was a dispute between neighbor's wherein two parties accused their female neighbor of being a witch.
Case was initially brought up relating to charges of stolen property, criminal damage, burgerlery and animal a**se. The accused was alleged to have stolen from the neighbors gardens and outhouses, with the abuse pertaining to the deaths of several livestock (multiple chickens and a goat).
Said case was weird overall, particularly when the two parties made claims that the neighbor was casting harm spells on them, danced naked in the moonlight and chanted into the early morning.
All charges were proven to be true based on physical and recorded evidence.
#1
Image source: emergencyfruit, Brandable Box / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I'm a lawyer considering whether to someday be a judge.
Boyfriend gets dumped in spring, stalks ex-girlfriend for 9 months. He's known to have an obsessive interest in b*mbs and explosives, and is a significant m***head. In December, he delivers a package to ex-girlfriend. There's no return address, but it says "MERRY XMAS B***H", so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who sent it. Ex calls the cops, who call the b*mb squad, who open the package. Inside is a large vibrator that's been hollowed out and filled with explosives. He apparently assumed that she would eagerly use it and blow herself up. This is how you know that men and women think differently...
#2
Image source: Blue_OG_46, Andrej Lišakov / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Worked in LE for a long while. Escorted an inmate to court for his dismemberment and murder charges trial. He chose to represent himself. Context: was infatuated with Charles Manson and cults. Started one that preyed on mentally unstable/ handicap women and [unalived] them if they tried to leave. This poor girl with autism wanted to go home. He [unalived] her with his followers help, chopped her up, and burned the pieces in a dumpster.
His opening statement was something along the lines of "Ladies and gentlemen of the court I just want to clarify that things being inserted into my butt are going to come up in this trial. I'm not gay. I just liked it." The judge said what the f**k, but caught himself before dropping the f-b**b. Everyone in the courtroom laughed at him. It was thrown out and he went for mental health screenings.
I don't miss LE work... at all. I did accrue a s**t load of stories though.
#3
Image source: Rum_N_Napalm, Lukas Kyzur / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Studied forensics, and a defence lawyer told me this story.
He is called to defend a client who accused of robbing a garage in a nearby city. Police found his fingerprints in a coke machine. Yes, IN a coke machine. As in the disassembled a vending machine and dusted it, and found a print on an internal component.
Oh, here’s the catch. The suspect was currently serving a prison sentence at the time of the crime....
So this was the prosecutor’s theory: suspect had broken out of jail, drove 2 hours to that garage, burglarized it, opened up the coke machine, left his fingerprint inside it and nowhere else, reassembled it, drove back 2 hours, and snuck back in jail.
Surprisingly this case didn’t get tossed out laughing and actually went to court. The good news for the suspect is that his lawyer discovered that before his incarceration he happened to work for the business that maintained the coke machine, so he was trying to explain the fingerprint by saying it could have been left there went the suspect performed maintenance.
He hired a fingerprint expert, who was able to demonstrate that police used the wrong method for lifting a print.
#4
Image source: nonlawyer, Andrej Lišakov / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Obligatory “not a judge”, but...
Had my first argument before the Second Circuit, so obviously fairly nervous. The case before me had a very generic name, think “Smith vs. Generic Insurance Corp.” Figured it was going to be dull...
But instead, it turned out that the issue was that Mrs. Smith, a widow, had her husband’s life insurance payment denied.
Why? Husband was an engineer of some sort and had constructed a device to... pleasure himself. He plugged said device into a wall socket on to... “enjoy”... on Easter Sunday, while his family was out, but unfortunately was electrocuted and died. (And presumably was found by his poor family on Easter, pantsless and plugged into the wall).
The insurer tried to deny benefits based on an exclusion for “intentional self-harm.” Cue a solid 20 minutes of the insurer’s lawyer being grilled by very staid and conservative judges as to whether the poor guy actually *intended* to harm himself, or, as one judge put it very mildly... “it seems the deceased intended... well... the opposite.” And the insurer lawyer struggling to articulate why self-harm and sexual pleasure are not always mutually exclusive.
From the questions, it seemed like the widow was likely to win. But man was that awkward for everyone involved.
#5
Image source: Tragedytheone, Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I went to court for a traffic ticket in the state of Mississippi. I was working a project out there. What I found weird is the judge’s ruling on two different cases. First was a woman who wrecked her car, had a child not in a baby car seat, dui, and possession of a controlled substance. He gave her a year probation. No jail time. Next was a lady who’s son had been skipping school and missed X amount of days. Something like 34 days. He put the mother in cuffs right then and there and ordered her to spend the same amount of days in jail that she had “allowed” her son to miss school. I didn’t say anything but I’m pretty sure the look on my face was “wtf”.
#6
Image source: Captk***er77, Tamara Bellis / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I went on a field trip to the court house and two cases were scheduled that day. The first one was assault and the guy said he didn’t whip the ball at his head he only threw it. Second person walked in wearing the things she said she didn’t steal.
#7
Image source: anon, David Clode / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Also not a judge, but I work with a psychologist who does some work in mental hospitals and has to testify as to whether they should or should not be released. Court is over the phone right now because of Covid, so I was privy to the little exchange.
My boss's patient is schizophrenic and was refusing his medication. My boss was testifying as to why he shouldn't be released (violent to his family, active psychosis), much to the patient's displeasure. The patient starts yelling, "Man, I wanna get out of here! It's so nasty. They got SNAKES in here."
The judge replied, "Sir, the quickest way to get released is to comply with your medication. And the medication will also help you with your snake problem....".
#8
Image source: Month-Choice, NordWood Themes / unsplash (not the actual photo)
A little late to the show.....and not a judge....but here’s my strange court related incident.
I was in court for a dog without a leash citation, and to start things off, the judge quiets the room for briefing. She does her spiel and directly after the bailiff walks from the rear of the courtroom up to the bench, leans in to whisper something and hands her an object.
The judges face turns toward us and asks the bailiff, “Where is he!?” “Please come to the stand!”
As a gentleman approaches, the sounds of p**n start playing from the phone that the bailiff handed the judge.
“You have the audacity to watch p**n in my courtroom while I’m briefing everyone!? I can’t believe this...this is a first....” proclaimed the judge.
I don’t quite remember what the charges against the “p**n watcher” were initially but the judge added 72 hours for contempt of court.
#9
Image source: zerbey, Jan Baborák / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Well, I'm not a judge but I was in traffic court once and the following exchange happened:
"So Miss [defendant] you're here for a... seat cushion violation? Is that even a thing?"
"Apparently your honour, the officer said I was too short"
(Long discussion with the state attorney and judge followed, they had white noise but you could see the judge was clearly thinking this was an idiotic ticket).
"How tall are you Miss?"
"About 5 feet"
"This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of, case dismissed".
I looked it up later, there is a real restriction in Florida to say you need a raised seat if you are very short to see over the steering wheel but this is presumably for people with dwarfism or other such conditions rather than petite women.
Edit: apparently this is no longer a thing, the state must have thought it was stupid also.
#10
Image source: photoguy423, why kei / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge, but just remembered this. I was in traffic court because I was a dumb teenager. The case before me was a guy accused of drunk driving. He, in all seriousness, told the judge that the reason his car was swerving wasn't due to intoxication but due to him trying to open a beer bottle with his teeth while driving.
So at least the judge was in a good mood when it was my turn...(he was still laughing at that guy).
#11
Image source: dtran33, Maël BALLAND / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge, but in the US Navy I was a legal officer on a ship. My Captain has the ability to administer punishment for violating military law. We had a Sailor who broke the law and after the Captain found him guilty, the Sailor said he would jump overboard. No one took him seriously and sure enough, he went out to the weather deck and jumped right in the ocean. We had to recover him with one of our small boats and he threatened to do it again...and did do it again a week later.
#12
Image source: MemeFarmer314, Lia Bekyan / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge, but I was going to court as a witness for my neighbor who was seeking a protection order. While we were there we heard several other cases being heard.
In one case, a man was accused of beating his 14-year-old daughter and dragging her out of the car while he hit her on the ground. Mother of the child presents her case and the judge turns to the father and gives him the opportunity to present his case, and asks what happened on that day in the car.
“Well you see the day before...”
“No, I want to hear what happened that day in the car.”
“My daughter has been gettin B’s in school so...”
“No, what happened in the car?”
“She has been texting boys, so...”
“No”
“SHE HIT ME FIRST”
He never really gave a straight answer, but the judge ruled against him. At the next case, there was a similar dynamic of separated parents arguing over a child, and there wasn’t a lot of evidence of a physical danger so the judge said a protection order wasn’t necessary and recommended they deal with it in family court.
Guy from the first case was still around filling out paperwork and started cheering, and the bailiff told him to knock it off. Guy 1 says that he’s from California and cheering is normal in court, and that this court is just racist. This guy was black, the judge was black, the bailiff was black, and pretty much most people on both sides of each case were black.
#13
Image source: HighOnPoker, Andy Quezada / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I was a mediator in small claims court in Queens NY during law school. Mediators attempt to help the parties reach a settlement. A woman brought a claim against a shoe store. According to her, there was a display with shoes for $20. When she got to the register with two pairs of shoes, they charged her $25 per pair. She complained and told the counter person that they were on sale for $20. She brought the counter person to the display and, according to the woman, they had switched the sign so that it now said $25. She paid the $50 and then sued for the $10 extra that she had to pay. The cost for filing the claim was $15. After she told me her story I met with the two lower level employees that the shoe store had sent to the court. They of course denied changing the sign, but I told them they can settle for $10 and leave immediately or they would have to wait for a judge to decide the case. They happily paid the $10. The woman lost five dollars in the transaction.
#14
Image source: shivambawa2000, Dave Hoefler / unsplash (not the actual photo)
My father was a judge. A police officer burned her wife and two kids alive, he was caught later that day. That was one of the most horrible cases he ever presided over.
#15
Image source: anon, benjamin lehman / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge but grand jury, which is where mainly the police testify for indictment on people they've arrested, no judge just DA.
In one officer was in the police station parking lot when a vehicle screeched into the parking lot next to him and a guy jumped out freaking out about how he had taken all these d***s and was now dying. Left vehicle door open, lots of d***s in plain sight, and the guy was fine he just panicked for a minute. Easiest arrest that officer ever had, also easiest indictment.
#16
Image source: TheAdlerian, Emmanuil Androshchuk / unsplash (not the actual photo)
I'm not a judge but have to go to court a lot for work.
I deal with a lot of weird stuff in life and sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream. That or a "simulation" as people like to say because there is no way life is so weird.
Anyway, this little guy gets up and introduces himself to the judge, while his lawyer is standing by him, and says, "Hi your honor, my name is Precious Love, and this is my lawyer, Counselor Frankenstein" and I just stared at them thinking I had gone crazy.
#17
Image source: leakybumthrowaway, Jack Kelly / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Somebody before me went up to the judge and was charged with 23 counts of unlawful detention of an alligator. Yeah, even the judge found it absolutely f*****g hilarious.
#18
Image source: Eclipse616, Marek Studzinski / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a Judge but worked in a courthouse for a summer doing probate work.
The weirdest case I saw was one where a 60 some odd years old woman believed herself to be the reincarnation of the archangel Gabriel.
She tried to murder her neighbors by trying to get in through their back door doogie door while naked and armed with a butter knife.
#19
Image source: phil_e_delfian, Anna Sullivan / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge or officer of the court. Former journalist. Sat through many trials back in the day, and there's a lot of weird to go around.
None was weirder than the trial of Ronald Gene Simmons. Simmons stood accused of k***ing fourteen family members at his compound in Dover AR, as they gathered to celebrate Christmas. Not included in this trial was for the murder of two, and wounding of 4 others in Russellville, AR.
Among the dead was his daughter and granddaughter (the same person), and his daughter, who was also the mother of the child. At this point, one can be forgiven for queueing up I'm My Own Grandpa.
Simmons was more than happy to admit guilt, and accept the death penalty, but (at the time, at least) the death penalty required a trial with both a guilty and penalty phase. Simmons also didn't want legal representation, but that, too, was required for the death penalty.
The trial was largely pro forma, though the court-appointed attorney was actually quite skilled, and did as good a job as circumstance allowed. After the State rested, Simmons insisted, over strenuous objections of counsel, to take the stand. He delivered a rambling tale, drawing heavily on Ephesians and Leviticus, how, as head of household, it was his right to do as he wished. He wanted his daughter/wife to leave her (legal) husband and, with his granddaughter/daughter, to live together, "As God intended." When they didn't he k***ed them and the rest of the family.
Pretty open and shut, but the DA had to, in the unlikely case of appeal, establish that Simmons wasn't crazy, and understood the full consequence of his actions. So, on cross, the DA went at Gene hard, on matters of man and God's law, and his understanding of both. It was as effective as it was bizarre. It seems to have gotten under Simmons' skin a bit, because, as the parties stood before the Judge, discussing the schedule for the afternoon, Simmons, just turned and [knocked out] the DA, in full view of the jury.
The astute reader, by now, has probably figured they jury wasn't out long.
The courthouse was one of those small, rural buildings, alone in a square in the center of town. The locals were driving around the square in trucks and cars shouting, "Burn him!" As the jury deliberated the penalty phase, and other proceedings took place in the courtroom, the media and Simmons, handcuffed to the table, were kept in the same room in the basement. Literally across the table from each other. We didn't talk. He just sort occasionally stared at us, but most often, just off into the space.
One the table between us, was a box of doughnuts that once had a dozen, but only one (glazed with chocolate topping) remained. One of the hardest things in my journalist career was not looking at the k***er, and asking him, "Ya gonna eat that?"
It was a hell of an experience.
#20
Image source: satansfloorbuffer, Lia Bekyan / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge; brother-in-law was clerk of the court for most of a decade.
Dude comes in with an indecent exposure charge; he was walking around the local Target in super shorty shorts, and his lil’ Shortie was longer than the shorts. Okay, this is supposedly fairly straightforward- slap on the wrist and get told to buy longer shorts.
Except it turns out this isn’t this guy’s first rodeo. In fact, it’s his TWENTY-FIFTH rodeo. Dude is an exhibitionist, and this was his MO. He was already banned from all retail establishments in half the counties in the state, and a handful of counties in the neighboring states. At this point he’d had so many convictions that he was looking at 25 to life for f****n’ indecent exposure.
Oddly enough, there was another indecent exposure case involving the other local Target a week later. Dude was standing up in the open bed of his pickup at 2am, cranking it in the Target parking lot.
#21
Image source: AJ3295, Lujia Zhang / unsplash (not the actual photo)
My father was a circuit court judge for a number of years. He used to tell me all kinds of stories, but my favorite was from a divorce dispute. The two sons of the husband and wife were messing around and they made a hole in the wall. The father was upset so he grabbed a hammer and punched a bunch of holes into the wall to prove to the boys how bad the holes look. I don’t remember the exact number, but it was around 90. When the attorney for the wife asked him if it was a good idea the husband said “well...in hindsight...I guess maybe not.” My father said that’s the only time that he’s ever almost burst out laughing in court.
#22
Image source: Q-burt, Ries Bosch / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Obligatory: I am not a judge. My brother's ex-girlfriend got arrested for theft from someone. Turns out, she was stealing manure. (I believe she intended to use it as a prank on someone else.) Turns out, you can be arrested and prosecuted for stealing manure.
#23
Image source: scarlett127, Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Not a judge, but my mom had to go to court once because our dog caught and ate a rabbit. We were charged with "endangering wildlife". When the case was called judge laughed and threw the charges out.
#24
Image source: Lost-1Mkarma, Jeremy McGilvrey / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Obviously not a judge BUT I sat in on court proceedings once.
An off duty Police Officer was arrested for driving drunk in the city she worked in. The arguments made by her defense were incredible. First one was that no RN had taken the officers blood. Which a hospital representative clarified this is normal. Reiterated that for something this simple they can have residents/trainees do this as part of their learning. Second one was that the BAC content was higher because the alcohol was fermenting in the bag. That the exposure to air increased this process, thus raising the tested level. Which was promptly shut down by an expert testifying that is not how it works. That alcohol doesn’t continue to ferment and produce higher numbers from a blood sample over time. Finally his last ditch effort! He tried saying the blood was tampered with and/or not tested correctly. There was a chain of custody provided and everything else that was needed to debunk this.
The officer looked very defeated by the end of our sit in. The judge basically had to tell the defense to put something better together. Finally even the judge got tired of this “see what sticks” approach and shut it down.
#25
Image source: StrixxWaya, Andrej Lišakov / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Friend is a judge
Weirdest case was a dispute between neighbor's wherein two parties accused their female neighbor of being a witch.
Case was initially brought up relating to charges of stolen property, criminal damage, burgerlery and animal a**se. The accused was alleged to have stolen from the neighbors gardens and outhouses, with the abuse pertaining to the deaths of several livestock (multiple chickens and a goat).
Said case was weird overall, particularly when the two parties made claims that the neighbor was casting harm spells on them, danced naked in the moonlight and chanted into the early morning.
All charges were proven to be true based on physical and recorded evidence.DE
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