25 Of The Funniest Things Patients Have Said To Medical Professionals

The daily tedium of life is often broken by light-hearted moments, and for medical staff, these can come from funny patients. Amid the heartbreaking moments, some patients provide medical professionals with hearty laughs through their good-natured comments, sharp observations, or even delirious rants—creating hilariously unforgettable memories.

#1

Image source: F43CanadianRedditor, kues1 / freepik (not the actual photo)

NAD but patient

Just had a cesarean and was in recovery just waking up from anesthesia. Hadn’t opened my eyes yet but could sense my nurse doing her business around me.

Then the nurse says ‘we should go camping this weekend’. I said to her ‘I would but I just got this cesarean done and don’t think I can make it’.

Then I hear a round of laughter and open my eyes. Apparently there were two nurses working around me and I didn’t hear the second one. That’s who my nurse was talking to lol.

Minutes later my mom and sister come in and they’re like we knew you were awake cos we heard the laughing lol.

#2

Image source: not_wagner, Erik Mclean / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

I had a drunk guy apparently fall in love with me and would not stop hitting on me for the entire 7 minute transport. He even proposed to me in the Ambulance garage while he was still on the cot. Mind you I’m an overweight, short guy in my 30s, while I am bi I am also happily married and politely turned him down. My wife first got jealous then found it hilarious.

#3

Image source: lethaldose, Akram Huseyn / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

I woke up in the middle of having a tumor removed and asked “Can I see it?”. Four sets of deer-in-the-headlights eyes turned to me, and I heard a metal tool drop to the ground. “Please wash that” I managed to say before the anesthesiologist got to me.

#4

Image source: throwawayacct654987, Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

Not a doctor, but once when I was in the recovery room after a surgery, I was directly across from an older gentleman who was very high on the remnants of anesthesia and some [pain medication]. He was talking really loudly and when a nurse asked him how he was doing he said “I have never felt so marvelously fabulous ever before! It makes me wish I’d been gay! Do you see how my dress swishes?!”

He was just so happy.

#5

Image source: Masterdier, Aleksandr Popov / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

One of my friends is a paramedic and apparently he picked up this older guy who almost got robbed by these two teenagers but won while drunk.

He works the nightshift, so he picks up some crazies. Essentially what happened was the older guy went to the bar and had a few too many drinks. He was stumbling home when a couple of teenagers got a big kitchen knife and threatened him with it for the old man’s wallet.

They chose their target wrong. He reached into his pocket (my friend said he told them this on the way to the hospital) and instead of pulling out his wallet (which was empty at the time) and pulled out a set of brass knuckles. Brass knuckles. This was a seventy-something year old man with a set of brass knuckles. He punched the first kid and the other kid with the knife cut at him, luckily barely grazing his chest, and bam, the other kid’s nose is broken.

As it turns out, he was the nicest, funniest grandpa ever. He only spent one night in the hospital and went home the next day.

#6

Image source: atomicrose555, JSB Co. / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

“Just cuz there’s snow on the roof doesn’t mean there isn’t a fire in the furnace” -a little old lady who was hitting on all the firemen on scene. She was adorable.

#7

Image source: SpeakerCareless, megafilm / freepik (not the actual photo)

My dad was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer during peak pandemic times, it was incredibly stressful and scary. His surgeon was incredibly kind and reassuring. My dad is always a wit, though. When the surgeon came to see him just before they put him under for a very long surgery (including bowel resection) my dad looked him in the eye and said “Well, let’s go make some sausage.”

#8

Image source: Madhipstermagic, rodrigo júnior / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

One time there was this doc I worked with, good looking, very kind. This lady must have been in her 70s, she goes “do you think I’m too old to get a tattoo doctor?” He said “no, I think anyone can get a tattoo” and she goes, “good, I’m going to get a turkey (smacks thigh) on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other(smacks other thigh)… And remind people it’s good eatin’ between the holidays” and then proceeded to wink at him.

He blushed so badly. 😂😂😂 this was hilarious because this woman looked very old and frail, didn’t expect that.

#9

Image source: mayaorsomething, Tatiana Zanon / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

90 y/o patient with acute dementia looks at her reflection in the ambulance door and goes “who’s that pretty lady?”

#10

Image source: sucksatgolf, cookie_studio / freepik (not the actual photo)

Lady was drunk as a skunk. I knew she was drunk, she knew she was drunk, her husband knew she was drunk. And the medic I was working with asked for a bgl before we left. I get everything out and do the “it will just be a quick prick on your finger and we’ll be all done.” She pipes up “I’ve been married to him for 20 years, I’m used to getting a quick prick and hardly feeling it.”…commence 3 of us all doing the 😬 face, okay…. time to leave.

#11

Image source: anon, EyeEm / freepik (not the actual photo)

Winter night, outside a disco (decades ago obviously), slip and fall on ice. Dude is unconscious and leg badly broken. Had to cut the leg of the very tight pants all the way up to check the damage and stabilize the leg. While doing so, a bratwurst fell out of his pants. I’m not using that as a euphemism. A literal sausage in Saran wrap fell out. We all had to take a minute.

#12

Image source: Upset-Pin-1638, TriangleProd / freepik (not the actual photo)

My partner (medic) was prepping an elderly lady for an EKG. He politely explained the procedure, exposed here chest and stated “ma’am, I’m going to use the back of my hand to move your bosom, so I can apply these stickers”. To which she responded, happily “oh dear, is been years since a man has handed my bosoms!”. I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance for HIM!

#13

Image source: pm_me_happy_smiles-, JSB Co. / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

College freshman, waking up to me starting an IV on her in the back of the rig: “OMG, I’m on Grey’s Anatomy!!”

#14

Image source: Party_Panic9250, Marcos Ramírez / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

So not me – my flatmate is an A&E nurse. Came home one day with a patient who had come from mental health, who had swallowed a toothbrush. A full size one – not broken up, just chewed and swallowed nearly whole.

My flatmate asked why she has done it to work out if she needed to be watched as a risk.

Patient turned around and said “well I’m not in mental health facility for nothing.”

Fair.

#15

Image source: lpalerider, imdb

Responded to a distress call from neighbors that heard calls for help. So police and fire were dispatched. After we gained entry, we heard more shouting from the upstairs. Entering into the master bedroom we saw a women tied to the bed, and on the other side, between the dresser and the bed, an unresponsive man crinkled awkwardly on the floor. He was also completely [bare] except for a full latex Batman mask. Turns out while during role play, he lost his footing jumping from the dresser and missed the bed. Suffered a concussion and broken neck. He had surgery, and lived.

#16

Image source: KP_Wrath, A. C. / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

We get toned to a call. The radio is [bad], but what we get is something to the effect of, “lawn mower, double leg amputation.” And the address. Everyone starts heading to the scene, pretty sure they even had a helicopter take off. We get to the scene, a good 20 minutes away, and they request a UTV to get the guy. It starts to dawn on us, the amputation and the lawn mower are not related like we initially thought. This double leg amputee rode his riding lawnmower down the the lake and the battery [had no charge], rendering him unable to get back. We rescued him, he bellowed, “it’s me! I’m the idiot!” as he cleared the woods, got in his pick up, nearly backed over our rig, and drove off into the night.

#17

Image source: anon, Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

Pregnant woman on pain meds told us this was her 5th garden gnome she was having and how she kept her collection of gnomes in her garden.

#18

Image source: anon, Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

I used to volunteer with an occupational therapist friend each Sunday at an Alzheimer’s home. Occasionally we’d have day trips to the river or park where we had to keep an eye on a seventy year-old man named Eric who was once a health inspector. Eric would always make a beeline toward any cafe or eatery whenever he was out so as to inspect the standard of hygiene in the kitchens, and was once found berating a restaurant owner about the condition of his oven.

#19

Image source: JustGenericName, freepik (not the actual photo)

Two of our regular drunks come in (separately) by ambulance on a busy day. They’re actually not very drunk today so they get sent out to the lobby to wait. They get bored, head to the nearby grocery store for some liquor. They return completely plastered. One is pushing the other in a wheelchair. They come flying down the ramp, hit a bump. Now Drunk in the wheelchair goes flying through the air and Drunk # 2 falls down laughing so hard he hits his head. I also almost fall down laughing as they both now need actual medical attention. “Goddangit Boys!”. I no longer send either of them to the lobby to wait.

#20

Image source: ElectricPoncho, Lukáš Vaňátko / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

I had jaw surgery last year and started to get really scared as I sat in my hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery. My mom was with me and I told her how much I wished my dog was there because snuggling her always makes me feel better. I guess having my dog on my mind turned into some weird thoughts once they gave me drugs because apparently I started crying out of the fear that they were going to give me dog teeth.

#21

Image source: sphygmomanometito, pvproductions / freepik (not the actual photo)

Paramedic. We responded to a 92 yo M “fall case.” Get to the apartment and wife and home care nurse(!!!) greet us. Direct us to the bathroom.

Elderly guy is in front of the toilet upside down (imagine doing a somersault and stopping with your legs in the air) back to the door, completely [bare], with his legs slowly making bicycle motion. Home care nurse (!!!!) said they couldn’t get him out because he’s stuck. I immediately grab a hand towel by the sink and cover this guys [bottom] that is precariously facing straight up like a geyser waiting to spout.

There was one of those handrail contraptions installed around the toilet and this old timer managed to jiu jitsu himself around the legs of it somehow and his arms were pinned between the handrail contraption and the toilet with the weight of his body and head on his trapped arms. Getting him untangled from that was a total mess because of course the toilet is wedged into a tiny nook in the already very small condo bathroom.

My partner had to bearhug the old timer WWE pile driver style with the old guy’s daintily covered [bottom] right under my partner’s chin, to get the weight off his head and arms while I untangled him at the base of the toilet.

The patient had dementia and the home care nurse (!!!!) was incompetent, so the rest of the call was even more crazy. I always walk away from those elderly fall down calls wondering why, with so many people in the house, not one person thinks to put papa or granny’s pants on.

#22

Image source: anon, MedicAlert UK / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

I wasn’t the paramedic but I was the patient.

I had a few seizures out of the blue during work as a Hostess at a restaurant (later turned out to be a brain tumour..).
The paramedics showed up after my co-workers freaked out naturally and phoned it in, I’m in the restaurant’s empty V.I.P lounge lying down on the floor, awake but not lucid.. when the paramedic started doing his usual tests and started talking to me I sat up and without flinching went “Hello! How many in your party?”

#23

Image source: minnesotawristwatch, freepik (not the actual photo)

I’ve told this story on Reddit before but here ya go…

Got a job for a woman bitten by a horse. I’d had a couple of those, usually it’s the [behind] or the thigh. Horses can be pricks, gotta love ‘em. NASTY bruising but never broke the skin (probably because of denim, but perhaps because the horse was just in a bad mood or didn’t like the person. I figure a horse could bite & rip your quad or glute clean out if it wanted).

I arrive to find a lady holding a blood soaked something to her hand while cops and firefighters are looking down all over the paddock.

Lady stopped her car full of kids to look at the pretty horsey. Decided to feed the horsey an apple. Lady had never fed a horsey before, didn’t know HOW to hand feed a horsey. Horsey bit her dominant pinky off. Clean thru the base knuckle.

She just kept exclaiming “BUT THEY’RE VEGETARIANS!”

#24

Image source: ImpressiveRice5736, Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)

Nurse here. I walked in to a patient’s room to introduce myself. She was in her 90’s, with big thick glasses and she was knitting a scarf. She then proceeded to tell me a series of the raunchiest dirty jokes I’ve ever heard. My favorite was: what did the egg say to the boiling water? I don’t know if I can get hard, I just got laid.

Another favorite a 99-year-old woman that had a bruised leg. The entire leg was bruised, ankle to thigh. I asked her how it happened. She said “I fell during my step aerobics class. It hurt so bad I could hardly drive home.”

#25

Image source: Fit_Medic_, vbaleha / freepik (not the actual photo)

Had an elderly woman that most likely had a UTI so she was confused at the time.

On the way to the hospital my newer EMT partner hit a set of railroad tracks a little too fast and about sent me through the ceiling of the ambulance. Out of reaction I yelled “Jesus Christ!”

My patient responded with “Where?!”