A Quintet of Reasons Against DIY Renovations
Remodeling your home may be a good idea if you’re sick of looking at the same scene each day and wondering why you decided hot pink is a good look for your living room. However you should definitely weigh the pros and cons before you start. I’ve done one renovation in my lifetime, and I’m not doing another unless the ceiling is about to fall or I’m at gunpoint. That’s because:
1. FIRST-TIME D.I.Y. IS A TRAP
Not everyone’s handy. It’s okay to admit it. And you better do, because I tried repainting the ceiling in my Perth tenement under the heavy influence of macho denial and it ended up costing me my bond upon leaving. No matter how many Wikihow articles you read, experience beats knowledge anytime. Now I’m not saying don’t brave anything new. If you do, just find a safe spot to practice first, mkay? So. Everything managed to get splattered with paint despite me putting down enough plastic to mummify a family of giraffes right down to the great grandparents. And it wasn’t even smooth. It was blotchy and looked like I threw mayonnaise at the ceiling with a spoon and spread it with a towel wrapped around a rolling pin, while using a trampoline as means to reach the ceiling in lieu of a ladder.
2. THE MESS IS INDUSTRIAL GRADE
Did you think one warm enchanting summer afternoon the after builders cleaning service just popped into existence, born from the happy union between a sunray and a dewdrop? That Perth blotchy ceiling experience was not over by the time I threw away the roller and plastic. Now I was left googling how to remove latex paint from upholstery, scrubbing hardwood floors, and desperately trying not to purposefully perform half a somersault from the ladder, landing on my head. If you never had to clean dried paint splatter off brass light fixtures without ruining the metal, you can’t understand it. And that was just from (badly) painting a ceiling. Now imagine if you want to remove a wall.
3. THE COST IS NEVER AS YOU EXPECTED
I wish I had more examples to give you, but we’ll have to stick with the ceiling fiasco out of necessity. How complex can a simple painting job be? You grab your roller, some paint, a brush for detailing, and something to cover the floor with. Easy right? However after I started I realized I will also be needing paint thinner, a telescope handle for the roller(because moving the ladder every 2 minutes is worse than giving money), a vessel for squeezing the excess paint from the roller, stick tape for masking, gloves and a protective mask because I’m apparently allergic to latex paint, and a full week salary worth of alcohol after the ordeal was done. Things just constantly snowball as you go and you have to be careful, otherwise it may turn out cheaper to just buy a new house by the end of it.
4. IT’S LITERALLY DANGEROUS FOR YOU
Falling from the ladder and shattering your tailbone can potentially leave you bedridden for a month with nothing to look at but the grossly painted ceiling. Chemicals like paint thinner, varnish or others used may poison you or worse if you are allergic. With larger scale remodeling jobs there is also the risk of doing something genius like breaking a door through a support wall so you have a shortcut to the fridge and bringing the whole building down on you. People with experience with this sort of thing know what to watch out for and what protective gear to wear for each task. Despite what all those 80s movies renovation montages have told me, refurbishing isn’t nearly as fun nor safe. No amount of Billy Idol will fix your day once a droplet of paint falls in your eye and sends you plummeting blindly down from the ladder and into the clutter of cans, tools, and shattered expectations.
5. THE RESULT IS SELDOM AS PLANNED
Unless you hire professionals of course, but that’s not a guarantee either. It’s a bit like getting your hair cut. You can spend an hour giving a powerpoint presentation of what kind of haircut you have complete with photos and diagrams, the barber could even understand and try their best to give you that exact haircut, and it can still turn out awful because the shape of your skull is just not meant to rock a bitchin’ mullet. The house plan may not allow what you want, or you just plain won’t get what you want, because of reasons. So to spare yourself the frustration and regret, just avoid grandomania. Refurbish only when it’s needed and if you really need a change in your entire design make do with just moving around some furniture or repainting a wall. Unless you are filthy rich and can afford a herd of builders and handymen, as well as a professional interior designer to take care of these things while you lounge on your unicorn skin rug eating dinosaur milk cereal with a spoon made of crystallized inflation and orphan tears.
Pictured: Instruments of masochism.
“Don’t mind us. We are just getting rid of a mess with ART!”
-“Work smart, not hard, amirite?!”
I don’t know what half of these are, and at this point of my life I’m too embarrassed to ask.
Ready to paint the garage door.
It looked better on Brad Pitt’s house.