30 Savage Yet Clever Things People Said When It Mattered Most

Some comebacks are carefully rehearsed in the shower. Others just happen, blurted out in the middle of an argument, a stressful moment, or a situation where emotions are running high. And somehow, against all odds, they land perfectly.

#1

Image source: hairybeaverlove, cottonbro studio

I had a surgery and when I woke up, the nurse was REALLY CUTE, so I started flirting with her ( with no success)…I had a 2nd surgery and when I woke up, it was the same cute nurse, my first words to her were:

How many surgeries do I have to have before I get your phone number????

( we’ve been married 8 yrs now).

#2

Image source: Jokulgoblin, Pixabay

I worked at a book store and a customer asked me “How often do the periodicals come out?” I deadpanned “Periodically.” and he asked to speak to my manager. Worth it.

#3

Image source: gman0009, Liliana Drew

A long time ago I was walking down a side street in a medium sized town with my girlfriend. A car was parked ahead, with the front of the car facing us as we approached. I could see two kids, maybe in their late teens and instantly could tell they were likely going say something as my gf was rather attractive.

As soon as we come up next to them I hear “hey baby, ditch the zero and come hang with the hero”. I could feel my blood boil but I kept my cool and calmly said “sorry buddy, I’m not gay…and don’t call my girlfriend a zero”. The dude’s friend started laughing at him and my girlfriend made a sarcastic crying face then we both started to laugh.

#4

Image source: kezopster, Wilfried Mbaihornom

I was accused of being passive aggressive. I replied “Which part sounded passive? I don’t ever want to come across as passive.”.

#5

Image source: asgardian_superman, Ekaterina Belinskaya

“Go wait with mommy- daddy might be going back to jail again”. Guy pushed my 5 year old daughter at the fish store and SHE started crying. When he heard me say that he RAN out of the store.

I’ve never been to jail before.

#6

Image source: Seeker7fold, indra projects

This one had a little setup, but I think it’s funny enough to share.

At a family vacation, my grandmother was giving me grief for not remembering her birthday (I’ve never been good with birthdays) after telling me it was the password to her iphone (she wanted me to take a picture with it, which is why I needed the password.)

While she was distracted, I opened up the settings, changed her password to my birthdate, and then set her phone down.

Cue 15 minutes later, she’s trying to get into her phone and it’s not working. Suspecting mischief, she grumpily asks me if I’ve changed the password to her phone in front of our entire family. I admit that I did.

“Well what is it?” She asked impatiently.

“It’s my birthdate.”

She sat there in stunned silence for about 15 seconds not being able to remember my birthday before our family exploded laughing. Was a good time.

#7

Image source: Kris681, RDNE Stock project

About 25 year ago, I was in grade 9 and my parents bought me a pair of Air Max.

I’m a female, but I had picked a pair of Air Max that were ‘supposed’ to be for males because I preferred the colour of the shoes. I was super pumped to get those shoes; we didn’t have lots of money and it was a pretty extravagant purchase.

Anyway, I was at our local shopping centre and I ran into a group of guys I went to high school with. They were a real bunch of jerks that thrived on dumping on other people. One of the guys had on the same pair of shoes and said to me “do you know you’re wearing men’s shoes?”

To which I quickly replied “then why are you wearing them?”

The other guys pissed themselves laughing and it still stands out in my mind after all these years.

#8

Image source: samaldin, Diva Plavalaguna

In a class at university each student had to give a presentation about a scientific paper and answer questions about it. We were told to ask the speaker questions, because otherwise the professor would and his questions would obviously be harder. That professor was really brutal in his critiques of the presentations (but also fair and accurate). In any case i asked a question after every single presentation, but when my turn came no student wanted to ask anything, so the professor asked me if i wanted to ask myself a question. Without even thinking about it: “Say, how come your presentation was so extremely excellent?”

I was mentally preparing to be chewed out, instead the professor needed a minute to stop laughing and then gave me the best grade possible :)

#9

Image source: lugh111, cottonbro studio

I’ll never forget the moment a family walked into the local pub I was working at while I was working. This big king-of-the-grill bald alpha patriarch Dad type and his wife and kids came through, I said “welcome, where would you like to sit?” And he snapped back “well a table would be nice”, and without missing a beat at all I replied “actually we usually sit on the chairs here”, I’ll never forget the satisfaction of that moment or the look on his face haha.

#10

Image source: OTIStheHOUND, Craig Adderley

I worked at Target back in college in a stocking job where we had to be there at like 4-5am to unload trucks. One morning I overslept a bit and walked to the unpacking line about 10 minutes late eating a breakfast bar. The boss stormed over and started loudly berating me in front of everyone for being late. As he was going on, I was listening and taking bites of the bar without much expression (mainly because I was so tired). It finally bothered him that I was disrespectfully chewing during the yelling and he stopped mid-sentence, held out his hand, and said, “Give me that thing!”. It just happened that I only had one bite left so I took it, handed him the wrapper, and said “Thanks” with a mouth full of food. He paused and started laughing at the ridiculous response to his whining. We were buddies after that.

#11

Image source: leilalover, Pavel Danilyuk

This was back in my junior year of college. At the beginning of the semester I was introducing myself to my very intimidating biochemistry professor (guy was a genius but also students were all terrified to ask him questions because he was known for grilling people and if they hadn’t made enough effort beforehand he’d send them out of his office to learn on their own). As I walked into his office he was sorting through some boxes and made a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing me in the box and shipping it off somewhere.

He looked up for my response and I just blurted out without thinking “I wouldn’t mind going somewhere nice…” Dude laughed so hard it actually startled me a little. We got along pretty well for the remainder of the semester, so it all worked out really well! It’s amazing what a little laughter can do to ease tension.

#12

Image source: MikeLanglois, Christina Morillo

At work project management undercut and mismanaged a project so badly. They pushed getting minimum viable product out with the goal to roll out improvements later.

Product released, they all patted themselves on the back and moved on. Then that minimum viable product broke.

In a meeting we had with our directors about how its so broken and the cost to fix it etc (no cost too big, unlimited manpower etc) I asked “how come we couldnt afford to do it right, but we can afford to do it twice?”.

#13

Image source: anon, RDNE Stock project

I was the nerdy, 5-foot-tall shy girl, and constantly got paired with struggling/misbehaving kids to “help them”.

On this occasion, it was two popular guys in English class. One was your typical, 2000s era comic book jock, the other was a class clown who just didn’t know when to stop. Together, they unanimously agreed to do nothing, making fun of our classmates, while I made the world’s ugliest word cloud. (I failed art class y’all, so that’s no joke.)

I guess I had an epiphany, because for the first time in my 15 years of life, I decided, I’m done, and went to tell the teacher they’re being lazy idiots and I’d rather just do it solo. It took a hot minute before jokester realized I’d even left, and when he pointed it out, the jock stood up looking ready to Hulk out of his lowriders.

And the Jock said

“What are you tattling on us for? It’s not like we’ve done anything”.

And I replied

“Yeah, that’s kind of the point”.

And just walked out of the silent class… because I was so used to being bullied I fully expected him to yeet a chair at me. But apparently I just looked like a boss, which is accidental street cred my nerdy head was 100% eager to roll with.

#14

Image source: hieronymous_scotch, Ketut Subiyanto

When I was a broke college student, a wealthy older lawyer hit my car. No damage to his but mine was crumpled, and I spent all of my no money at the time keeping it on the road. I was going literally 7 mph in a parking lot and he was entirely at fault. We exchanged insurance info and I had to get a rental car until mine was fixed. He dodged the insurance calls for about two weeks, forcing me to pay out of pocket for the rental, about $600 which I definitely didn’t have. I knew this guy was a jerkish snooty lawyer- my dad is a court attorney and while I have never used this flex- I finally had to ask my dad to call him and talk some lawyer at him. 15 minutes later I get a call and insurance will go forward.

Fast forward like 8 years, I’m bartending at a swanky lounge where a Chamber of Commerce event is going on. Just for local business people to rub elbows and network. This lawyer is really feeling himself and charming the room. He orders a glass of wine from me and then stops and says, “hey, miss, do I know you?”

So I came back loudly with, “well not really but you hit my car in a parking lot a few years ago when I was a broke college student and stuck me with the bill. Do you wanna open a tab for the wine or close out now?”

He did not open a tab.

***Edit- you guys seemed to like this one so I have a bonus for you.

Back somewhere around 2005 I went to see a band play and 30 seconds to Mars was opening for them. Jared Leto was in that band, and at the time Lindsay Lohan was dating him. I live not far from where she grew up and just a few days before a friend told me that LL acted like an enormously entitled jerk towards her a few days ago when they were walking their dogs- something about refusing autographs that no one asked for. We got right up to the front during their set (omg they were so bad) so we could be in place for the next band. Right behind the barrier was Lindsay watching the set. I motioned her over and asked her to take a photo. She starts yelling like “OMG I’m just NORMAL person trying to watch my bf leave me alone!!” Exactly the reaction I was hoping for. I put on my best innocent confused face and said I just wanted a pic with my boyfriend since we made it to the front row. And then said I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were someone famous or something? She went backstage after that. Honestly had never felt so cool.

#15

Image source: dingobabez, Alena Darmel

I was crazy about this dude. He was intelligent, hot, funny, and a bit older. After a few weeks of dating he said he wasn’t ready for a commitment. I told him to come pick up his book from my place, and not to reach out again as it hurt too much. I was that in to him.
So he comes to my apartment, I go to hand him the book, and begin to shut the door. He puts his foot in the way to stop it and says “I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready, but I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Moving my hand off the door, I hand him the book anyways and said “Then pick me up at 7.”

Anyways now we’re married.

#16

Image source: TheWriterOfWrongs, LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR

I’m a writer and I do a bit of stand up comedy. As such people tend to introduce me to new people as a ‘comedian’ ‘writer’ etc.

So I was outside a bar smoking with a friend of a friend, he then introduced to one of his friends. His friend was dressed like Liam Gallagher from Oasis and seemed to exude a bit of a cocky sneerey manner.

The introduction went thusly;

Friend of Friend: Mr Gallagher this is WriterOfWrongs, he’s a comedian.

Mr Gallagher: (looks me up and down) Comedian eh? Does that mean you think you’re funny?

WriterOfWrongs: No, it means everyone else does.

I literally do not know where it came from. I didn’t think about the response, it just came out.

And it is hands down the GREATEST thing I’ve ever said.

#17

Dude I worked with had a stutter and was a bit of a jerk. One day he goes “hey jackwrangler, d-do you think you’re going s-straight to hell because you’re gay?”
And my response was “hey Anthony, d-do you think god gave you a s-stutter so you could think twice about what you say to people?”
The whole wait station stopped and…***silence ***

Image source: jackwrangler

#18

Image source: eachfire, Евгений Шухман

The first day camping at a 2016 music festival, I headed off with a 4-gallon jug to get water.

A girl who was with our group, who I’d never met before, asked if I needed help. I responded, “No—but I’d sure love some company.”

We’re getting married this fall.

#19

Image source: anon, Katerina Holmes

I already posted here, but I just thought of another story.

There was this one extremely attractive girl in my COMM 101 class in college. One day, for a project where we interviewed other students, I was partnered with her. We ended up not finishing our questions in class, so I asked her if I could meet her somewhere to finish interviewing her. She said yes.

Fast-forward to the next day, I meet her after her dance group finishes rehearsal. I knock through the last few questions, and the final one which I ask is “What do you perceive the future to hold?”

She replies “I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner tonight, I have no idea what the future holds.”

So I say “Well, if you don’t know what you’re having for dinner, do you want to have dinner with me?”

She laughed, said yes, and though we only hooked up that night, I still look back on that day as one of the best dating stories I’ve had yet.

#20

Image source: Fdmr06, Kindel Media

In a discussion with my parents in which they were clearly wrong and missing the point. They began yelling because they really hadn’t arguments, and started talking about the respect I owe them as their son, saying that I was disrespectful for contradicting their position. I just answered something like “from where would I learn respect if I haven’t seen you guys respecting me or anyone”, and they went completely silent.

#21

Image source: Canadian_Neckbeard, La Miko

Years ago I worked at a Hard Rock cafe, and we often had pre shift server meetings outdoors on a patio, and while my boss was droning on about us selling more overpriced plastic cups I was staring off at the spinning globe on top of the building that says “save the planet” on it, I interrupted my boss by blurting out “if Hard Rock is trying to save the planet, why do we waste so much paper?”, which was really directed at my managers, who had a hard on for printing out stupid memos. They somehow didn’t realize it was about them specifically, and passed the comment up the food chain, which ended up resulting in the entire company changing their payroll system to paperless, globally.

As a reward I was given a pin shaped like a lightbulb that said “bright idea” on it. Thanks I guess.

#22

At work at a company meeting, someone was presenting something cool they volunteered to work on and finished. They then explained things they thought they could do better in a self deprecating way, and a bunch of other people started railing into his work with petty criticism. It was definitely good work, though, and a thought just hit me so I blurted it out:

“Sometimes “done” is the best feature”

A bunch of people laughed and then the criticism stopped. People gave him kudos and we moved on. Not really cool, but I was surprised this thought somehow came out fully formed, like it was some phrase I’ve been saying for decades.

I guess I was just realizing how many people don’t finish anything they start. So “done” suddenly seemed like a pretty good feature. Give the man some credit for finishing the thing!

Image source: shableep

#23

Image source: nowhammystop, Karola G

In middle school I had a class simply called “reading class,” that was taught by a conservative Christian lady. I was reading Jurassic Park and the teacher asked to see my book, I complied like a good student. The next day she gave it back and said, “You can no longer read this book in this class because they use God’s name in vain.” I looked at her square in the eye and replied, “Wouldn’t you cuss if dinosaurs were chasing after you?”.

#24

Image source: TuesDazeGone, Yan Krukau

“There’s no way you’re this much of a jerk naturally, you must go home and practice.”

I said this to a coworker who was throwing a fit and bullying a quieter coworker because he was pissed off. He had a habit of just being a giant jerk anytime things didn’t go his way. This comment pissed him off so much he just stormed into his office and stayed there the rest of the day (win for the rest of us).

#25

I was in an acting class in college, and we were doing a scene where a couple was having a big drawn out fight. Multiple pairs went through the scene, and I studied it pretty hard, so I knew all the lines.

We’re about halfway through our performance when my partner clearly forgets what her line is. And because everyone was doing that scene, they could tell she had forgotten, as well.

Her next line was supposed to be “well, I’m sorry I asked!”

I’m not usually a quick thinker on my feet, but I just filled the second or two of awkward silence with “I bet you’re sorry you asked, huh!?” And continued on with my lines. Not overly cool per se, but the class and professor loved it and all laughed. Probably the only quick-witted thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Image source: KDorau21

#26

Forensic biology professor brings out a fresh human brain as a surprise to a stunned class.

“You have no idea what I had to go through to get this.”

“The skull?”.

Image source: Omnithea

#27

Image source: Reesicle, PIX3L_PRODUCTION

At a party a few years back, someone stole my friends purse. Her boyfriend found the guys who took it and got it back for her, but he was still in an angry, drunken rage and was continuing to escalate the situation when he was well outnumbered. My friend finds me and says, “I’m afraid [boyfriend] is about to get into a fight, I need your help. Stop him, please!”. I stand up, and I tell her, “I can’t promise you I can stop him from fighting, but I can promise you I won’t let him lose.” Before walking off to find him.

Ultimately, no fight actually broke out, and I didn’t realize that I had basically said a cheesy one liner until after the fact when my friend told me how intense that line was. I didn’t mean for it to sound so dramatic, I just wanted to let her know I wouldn’t let him get his back kicked, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was about to demolish three guys by myself like I’m some sort of action hero.

#28

Image source: slip-7, fish socks

I was the lawyer in this criminal case arising out the Standing Rock events. That morning, some Lakota people had given us this traditional blessing to wish us well for the trial, and there were five to seven activists sitting in the courtroom to watch and support us.

It happened that there was a certain digital document that I needed before the jury got back from a break, and we didn’t know just when the break would be over.

I remember turning to the supporters holding up a thumb drive, and telling them exactly what I needed from the office across the street and how to get it.

I held out the thumb drive, and with all the intensity of an ancient general sending his troops into battle said, “Fastest runner. Go now.”

This tiny little young woman grabbed the thumb drive and got back before the jury returned.

#29

Image source: cocoboco101, 8pCarlos Morocho

I was eating McDonald’s with a few friends and I started choking.. the only thing I managed to say in the whole ordeal was “I’m McChokin'”.

#30

Image source: syrahcassette, Getty Images

I was around 17 or 18 and getting my first filling at the dentist. They pumped me up with nitrous oxide for pain and to help me relax during the procedure. Dentist came back and asked me, “how are you feeling?” All I said was “I don’t” and he lost it and cracked up for what seemed like 20 minutes before he could pull himself together. I also started cracking up because of the laughing gas and his laugh was infectious. So we were both just sitting the in the room laughing and all his assistants came by and were very confused lol.