“If There’s Sports On, I Get A Back Rub”: 35 Unserious Couple House Rules That Have Low-Key Become Like Law

We know that communication, trust, and transparency are essential in committed relationships. Most of us understand the importance of discussing responsibilities, etiquette, and rules when building a life together.

#1

Image source: mcburloak

I once ordered a birthday cake for my wife and asked for “Happy Birthday Mom” to be written on it.

I picked it up, never looked at it and upon revealing to the family it said – Happy Birthday Bob.

No other inscription is ever again allowed for her birthday cake to this day 15 years later. Our grown kids love it.

#2

Image source: screenaholic, MorphoBio / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

My wife gets the first chip from every bag. Even if they’re chips she doesn’t like, she still has to eat it.

#3

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I “work closing.” My wife and I go to sleep at the same time, but I always make sure that I lock all the doors, turn off all the lights and start the dishwasher (if it’s already loaded). She is not allowed to do anything, but rather has to get ready and get in bed. It started because she was feeling overworked and tired, but still couldn’t go to sleep if everything wasn’t taken care of. So I had her tell me everything that she had in mind and did them. Now I just do it to show her I care about her feelings.

#4

Image source: Veganstein2959, stockfilmstudio / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

We’ve been married for 35 years and we have NEVER been able to remember it on the date!
The rule is that whoever remembers it first, usually 2-3 weeks late, yells “Happy Anniversary” and is the winner.

#5

Image source: pienoceros, LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

He has an alarm set on his phone for 1900. The alarm tone is ducks quacking and muttering. He has to come kiss me when the alarm goes off. As a side effect, we kiss whenever we hear ducks now.

#6

Image source: Three60five, LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

If the dog has “chosen you” and sits on your lap, you are released of all responsibilities, and the other partner must get you whatever you want or need while the dog is on your lap. It is like “king for the day” except it usually maxes out at 30 minutes. We take this rule very seriously….it has been broken once in 15 years because I had surgery and needed help with something.

#7

Image source: ladycowbell, Nonnadee Grant / pexels (not the actual photo)

You may not give a real birthday card. You must give either a card of the completely wrong age thats funny. Like last year for my 32nd birthday my husband gave me a popup YOURE THREE card with a You’re three sticker inside, or it must in no way be birthday related. Ive given him a Catholic Confirmation card, a condolences card (I wrote that it was for the passing of his youth when he turned 30) and all manner of other things. My birthday is in June so ve been given a Father’s Day before.

#8

Image source: LovelyVegie, s_kawee / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

I always go to bed a couple of hours before my husband. To make sure we end the day (aka my day) together, he always tucks me in, gives me a goodnight kiss, and we end with something happy.

It started as a joke, but we both realized it was such a good way to end the day well and stay in sync. He has done this every single day for over five years.

#9

Image source: Mokelachild, DragonImages / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

My immediate family is chaotic and we talk a lot and sometimes talk over each other at gatherings. I’m used to it. He was not. We agreed that we’d have a safe word of “bananas”, like “this is driving me bananas” and he could say it and walk away for some peace and quiet. He used it a few times at the beginning, he’d just whisper it in my ear and get up from the chaotic table and walk outside.

Over the last 15 yrs it has evolved that “bananas” is now just our everyday safe word, for when you want to be taken seriously. When the teasing is too much, when we feel like the other person isn’t listening, when we’re fighting and need a break, etc.

#10

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Matching undies Mondays (hedgehogs) and Fridays (dinosaurs). Even when (or especially when) we’re going through a rough patch, it’s a stupid thing that unites us.

#11

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Loooooong time ago (like 25+ years), we instituted the Your Shelf/My Shelf rule. Any food or drink on Your Shelf or My Shelf is off limits to everyone else in the house. You are free to *share* your food, of course. But if I ask for a snack on your shelf, and you say no, I cannot get angry about it. And vice versa. We both got tired of the other one of us eating snacks that we were saving for later. We were so serious about it, that when our kiddo was a kid, they got their own shelf, too. Kid’s gone now, but we still do YS/MS. Keeps the peace in the house!

#12

Image source: eyesaiah626, svitlanah / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

My wife got in some trouble at work because she was late too often. I start work later than she does and don’t really need to be awake until she leaves, but her constant alarm snoozing was making it impossible to stay asleep. Honestly i don’t have a ton of trouble waking myself up, so I elected myself Captain Morning. Captain Morning is a whole persona to help my wife get out of bed. Kinda pirate/nautical in the voice and mannerisms? We start with a cup of coffee from her fancy machine, brought to her in bed. Then morning cuddles with the dog, with an enforced time limit so she stays on track. Captain Morning believes in hydration and nutrition, so I also make her lunch and refill her water bottle. When I’m on business trips I call her to wake her up and text her to make sure she’s out of bed, because she’s been deputized as First Mate Morning in my absence :)

I get to start my day making her day easier, and I really like that. It’s way better than waking up annoyed that she hit snooze eight times haha.

#13

Image source: TheUnculturedSwan, Image-Source / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

If the cats yawn, any observer has to say “big yawn!” aloud. If they stretch, you have to say “big stretch!”

We also always take our meds together, and we toast each other with whatever liquid we’re using to get the pills down, “To your continued good health and happiness.”.

#14

Image source: Current_Apartment988, tonodiaz / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

If there’s sports on, I get a back rub. Husband is a crazy sports fan and I am not. He doesn’t even question it, when the sports are on, his hands get to rubbin. We both win.

#15

I mean, you know that silly game you play with your siblings that when you see a yellow car, you call it out and get to slap your sibling?

Well me and my wife call out all the yellow cars and kiss that many times in the end of the trip.

Special rule, if we see a yellow vehicle transporting truck full of yellow cars we have to pull to the next stop and do it. That has not happened yet, but a man can dream.

“Okay kids, out of the car! We got some business to attend to!” .

Image source: Necromartian

#16

Image source: Dense_Gur_2744, POCSTOCK / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

Everybody wears an orange hat if they are not to be disturbed.

Started as a covid era solution to work conference calls and continues to this day. .

#17

Thank each other for everything. Took the trash out? Thanks. Put a bag in? Thanks. Took the dishes out of the room? Thanks. Dropped the kid off/pick up from daycare, got gas, thanks. Wiped the counter? Thanks. Replaced the toilet paper roll, you get it.

It’s not that praise is needed or it’s a rare thing to see one of us clean without being asked, but it’s a cheap dopamine hit and it serves a dual purpose of letting the other person know you see the thankless tasks they do. It’s absolutely helped keep us appreciative and stops resentment from even thinking of forming over dumb stuff .

Image source: KeimeiWins

#18

My dad once finally got my mom her own stocking for Christmas, as she usually did all that sort of thing.

In his rush and hatred of shopping, he accidentally bought her a stocking intended for a dog- complete with felt dog bones sewn all over it and a “Dear Santa, define ‘good’” quote.

She is no longer allowed to have any other stocking for Christmas because we love it so much.

Edit: We have never had a dog.

Image source: Global-Nectarine4417

#19

No more than 2 episodes of each show per day so we don’t burn through them. The last 2 episodes per season must always be watched back to back, no cliffhangers.

Image source: SailorVenus23

#20

If you pull a tuft of hair off the dogs you must offer it to the other as a gift.

This started when our husky was shedding out his winter coat and I was pulling all the stuff sticking out of his fur and was so impressed with the ball of fur i went up to him and said “a gift for you” and now it’s a rule lol.

Also, if you want to swap chores you just buy the other person food. I hate putting laundry away, but I’ll do it for a burger.

Image source: SquishedStitch

#21

Image source: mordrath, StudioLucky / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

Thanksgiving dress code is pajamas. We have had family and friends over every year for a long while and after the first time we got sick of people wearing nice stuff that didn’t fit after the meal. So we said pajama party. The next few years people thought we were joking.

Always have some clean spares for folks who think it’s a joke. It’s just the way now. Everyone is comfy and no stress to dress up. Kigurumi and tuxedo pj’s are the norm.

#22

Image source: NWCJ, fentonroma / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

NO junkfood IN the house. We have a small chest freezer and a small cabinet on our covered porch though.

So if you want to eat some ice-cream, you better get dressed enough to not freeze and go eat it outside.

Really cut down on unhealthy snacking during the winter(we live in Alaska). But sometimes we will enjoy a nice unhealthy snack out there together in the cold, and it makes us enjoy our nice garden more during the summer.

It was made as a joke, because my mom was a chainsmoker when I was growing up, and my sister and I in highschool finally said enough is enough, and she isnt allowed to smoke inside the house anymore(we hated smelling like smoke), we would get in trouble but were united and won the war. whenever we found cigarettes inside we broke them, until she kept them out on the deck. She smokes WAY less now, and maintained the rule even after we moved out. So wife and I were joking and decided we should try it with our bad habit(boredom eating in front of the tv).

Much success.

#23

Image source: dirtyoldgoat, NomadSoul1 / envatoelements (not the actual photo)

We call it “The Accords.”

Basically, mutual agreement not to criticize or speak negatively about the other’s hobbies, crafting, crafting supplies and the space, quantity, organization and cost of said hobbies.

If one of us starts encroaching upon “The Accords” the other is required to use their best pirate accent and remind them of the status of “The Accords.” No, they aren’t ‘guidelines’ someone has already tried that tactic.

#24

Not so much a rule, but “Dave” gets the blame for everything in our house. Shoes left out? Dave forgot. Dirty dishes in the sink? Dave left them there. My pop can left on the counter? Dammit Dave, he is so forgetful.

Dave doesn’t exist. We fully well know who messed up. But instead of mini fights starting, we get annoyed with Dave. Silly and stupid, but surprisingly effective.

Image source: fritz1215

#25

I personally don’t think it’s dumb, but if you get up to get yourself a drink or snack from the kitchen, ask the other person if they want something. It’s thoughtful and then everyone is hydrated/has a nice snack. Best rule!

Edit: We do have a dumb rule, but it’s more my husband’s rule: if we bring in snacks, I get two weeks to eat my share and then it’s fair game. He grew up with a horde of siblings and the snack pantry was basically first come, first served. I only had a younger sister and will save goodies until they’re expired if the craving for it doesn’t hit. If I truly want a treat to stay mine for an extended period, I keep it in my desk instead.

Image source: typoquwwn

#26

My partner alway gets two cookies from subway, and it is my mission to sneak a small bite out of each one when he’s not looking, and stick them back. He acts surprised every time.

Only once in our 7+ relationship I’ve not done it once because I was upset. He brought the cookies to me and made me take a bite.

Image source: ChickenGoWrapp

#27

Image source: dinosarahsaurus, Pressmaster / envatolements (not the actual photo)

I set this “rule” very seriously when we first got together (both in mid-30s with previously well established routines and lives). Do not talk to me in the morning until I talk to you. Generally a non-issue since I typically get up 1 hr before him and workout and whatnot.

Butttt sometimes he needed to tell me something so he’d tell the dog. He’d be like “hey buddy you gotta tell mom that I will be late today so I don’t forget” or “hey buddy I am craving tacos reall bad, we should ask mom later if we can have tacos”.

He still talks to me through the dogs in the morning. The most hilarious is when he shares gossip. I usually go to bed before he is home from his evening hobbies. So sometimes I will hear “hey buddy, guess what? Tammy has been sleeping with the mechanic and her husband kicked her out”. I immediately start speaking then.

#28

When one sneezes, the other has to say “Praise Sneezus”.

Image source: iloverecorders

#29

After watching Phantom Thread we quite often joked about “there is entirely too much talking at breakfast” and we’ve calmly mutated it into “don’t come at me with words until after I’ve got coffee made”. I utter it more than she because she’s a morning person and is usually up earlier than I and already has thoughts…

Image source: esheato

#30

Like most people, we used to have a “junk drawer” in our kitchen that had random assortment of different things (tools, rubber bands, writing utensils, etc.). Over time, we realized how often we needed something from the junk drawer and felt like the name was disparaging, so since then it has been referred to as the “useful things drawer.”.

Image source: the_iraq_such_as

#31

If there is a job/chore/task that one of us does not want to do, we are allowed to “invoke the right” which is a game of rock, paper, scissors.

You are not allowed to decline when someone “invokes the right” and the loser must do the task.

Additional rules that have evolved over the years: (1) If you lose out of three, you can ask for it to be out of five, but the other person has to agree to these terms. Irrespective of who asked to extend the rounds, loser still has to do the job. (2) Instead of picking rock, paper or scissors, you can flip the bird. This means you automatically forfeit and are agreeing to do the task, but want to express your dislike for the task/person at that moment in time.

This has gone on for 8+ years and is how we solve arguments 99% of the time. It was written into our wedding vows as a joke, but has stuck. We are so serious about it that “invoking the right” will occur beyond the confines of our home, in public in front of friends and strangers who look at us like we are mad.

Image source: defunctbethefruit

#32

My late wife received a decorative frog-shaped gift for our home from some completely random occasion one year. seeing this, her friends and family decided that she was now a frog collector (unbeknownst to her) and began giving her all manner of frog-themed items. One year someone gave her a medium-sized bean bag frog. long before Elf on a Shelf became popular, i began hiding said beanbag frog in all manner of places for her to find. sometimes she’d find him right away and hide him for me to find, sometimes it took months before he would resurface. he got ziplock bagged many times and tucked away in just about any location you can think of in a house. i found him last in an old travel mug that i stopped carrying a few months after she passed. hid-a-frog is still there, waiting for someone to discover him.

Image source: bishopthom

#33

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We don’t talk smack about our cars where they can “hear” us.

#34

Not a “rule” necessarily, but years ago my wife and I started the “Penny Game” – anytime one of us finds a spare penny around the home, we’d hide it for the other person to find. Always somewhere we’d likely see it within a few days – underneath a product we use regularly, in my wallet, etc.

We had some good laughs trading it back and forth in the beginning, finding creative ways to hide the penny. Eventually the hiding spots got tougher, and pennies were being introduced to the game faster than we could find them. But we persisted.

Flash forward to today, and I don’t know where my keys are half the time, but I know for certain where each of the eight pennies I’ve hidden are. There are few joys in life as wonderful as randomly hearing a penny hit the floor and bounce around while we both laugh aloud from different rooms.

Image source: 12_Paws

#35

We live in Wales, where there is a Welsh version of Valentines Day called St Dwynwen’s Day (Dydd Sant Dwynwen) on 25th Jan.

It’s not particularly high profile, so basically every year we try to surprise the other one by not mentioning it and hoping the other one has forgotten and looks foolish.

I want to be clear: the purpose is not to celebrate our love or Welsh culture, it is very much to make each other look bad.

So far she has forgotten once, making it 1-0 to me.

I’ve got my card sorted for this year, haven’t heard a peep from her about it. Here’s hoping I can go 2-0 up.

Image source: RedundantSwine