25 People Who’ve Dated Cross-Culturally Shared Their Most Surprising Observations

Dating is a complex process, full of emotional landmines, generational trauma, and the challenge of merging two individuals into one partnership. Even when you share mutual friends, familiar territory, or common interests, many differences can surface as time goes on. Yet this doesn’t stop people from exploring love across cultures.

#1

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I dated a Filippina who told me I was not dominant enough for her. She said it was not my fault, that her culture had taught her to be obedient to her man, and that she knew I would never provide the kind of relationship she would be comfortable with. I was shocked.

#2

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Just how busy everyone is in Japan. If you ask a girl out and she’s keen, she will whip out her calendar on her phone and ask if you have any days free next month. When a girl I was dating told me that in her last 1-year long relationship she’d only actually met her ex-boyfriend maybe 10 times total, I was floored but then I asked a group of about 6 Japanese women how often they meet their boyfriend when they’re dating and it was once per week, once per two weeks x2, once per month x 3. “If you’re both working, it’s hard to find time to meet” Text message responses come back 2 days later because texting at work isn’t a thing and when ppl come home they want to claim some time for themselves and unwind instead of play secretary to the incoming messages on their phone.

#3

I’m a white boy who dated a Lebanese girl through HS and early parts of college.

First off…they are all EXTREMELY beautiful, as in her extended family was 50+ deep and they were almost to a person insanely good looking.

Her Mother was 50 and looked 30, never wore makeup because she didn’t need to.

Second…are you hungry? Would you like to never be hungry again?

Show up at a Lebanese house and they will stuff you full of food, and by food, I mean the best tasting dishes I’ve ever had and I was a chef for 20 years.

Everything is made fresh, tabouleh, hummus, kebab, my God, just the cheese alone was to die for, fattoush, baba ghanouj, etc

Once you are part of the family, there’s literally nothing they won’t do for you as long as you are respectful.

I blew a tire once, her brother showed up on the side of the road an hour later (early cell phone days) with a new tire, switched it out and told me to be nice to his sister.

Wouldn’t take a dime in return payment.

I helped paint their house one summer, stayed over at the house that night, woke up and my car was gone.

Her Dad had taken it to a repair shop and got my brakes fixed that I had been complaining about.

When we broke up, it was doubly painful because I had to say goodbye to so many people that had become really important to me beyond my ex.

10/10 experience.

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#4

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I dated a Dutch girl. Even in a car centric American city, she insisted on riding her bike everywhere. She also frequently took the bus even though that’s thought of as something for poor people.

She understood the nuances of American culture but I initially found her Dutch friends and family to be blunt and quite frankly rude. Later I began to appreciate the direct communication style of Dutch culture. It can be quite refreshing that Dutch people don’t beat around the bush and dispense with fake pleasantries. .

#5

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Couples therapist once said everyone is from a different culture, even if we’re neighbours. Every family and every history has its own deviations from the norm. He said there were more similarities than oddities, celebrate them both.

#6

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I have a sweet one. I’m from Latin America, he’s German.

At the beginning, he wouldn’t flirt at all (according to me). He wouldn’t try to get physically close to me, hug me by my waist, no great romantic gestures, which are expected from the man in my culture. It got to the point where I wasn’t sure if he liked me. What he would do, was find the time to do things with me, and would reply to my texts super fast, even during working hours.

Was talking to one of my friends of 10+ years, who also happened to be living in Germany at that point for 3 years (I had just moved). He told me “are you crazy? That man’s head over heels for you. Germans value time above everything, and he’s giving it to you. He’s literally giving you the thing he values the most in the world to you”. Next time we met, I asked him directly if he liked me and he was like “of course! Why else would I give you my time?!?”. Lol, we still joke that we owe our relationship to my BFF for clarifying that cultural difference.

#7

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I’m a white American and my wife is from a Mexican family.

What probably has surprised me the most is how close her family is. For weddings or big events the whole family will contribute money. Your house breaking in Mexico? Everyone will pitch it. Basically family crowdfunding.

From my own family I thought my wife was literally being scammed by her own family. But really they just have actual community and help each other.

The other surprise is just the sheer number of social events and the expectation to attend regularly. There are some gender differences here as well, but I’m a bit of an introvert, however my wife tends to feel obligated to attend many many social events for fear of not being there for family.

#8

How difficult it was for her to express herself when we had fights or disagreements. We both spoke in English which is my native language and hers is Korean. She would get so frustrated that she couldn’t really express what she was thinking because A. Her English wasn’t fluent enough and B. Even if she spoke Korean, I would have no idea wth she was saying.

I eventually learned enough Korean, got married to her and now get the full wrath of her temper lol. Love her to death though.

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#9

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That a lot of things that I marked up as cultural differences were actually massive red flags that when translated to my culture would have made me run.

#10

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That if you need to communicate your feelings, boundaries and all that relationship stuff, it is harder to do in your second, or third language. Expressing yourself in your native language can be hard sometimes, let alone in a non-native language..

#11

What surprised me? That a man from a totally different culture/life experience – him Persian and me British- was the one that completed me, was truly my soulmate. My best friend and the one with whom I saw eye to eye on literally everything. I didn’t just date him though, we married and had a son together and sadly he passed very suddenly and way too young. There’s not a day goes by I don’t miss him.

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#12

I dated a Muslim guy who told me he used to “fool around” with other guys. When I asked if he was bi, he said “Nonono, not bi, that’s unacceptable! I just like to “fool around”. Mmm, okay!

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#13

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People from Spain pass off anger issues and emotional instability as “passion.”

It’s not passion, José, you need therapy.

Also, a person can indeed love their mom TOO much. Lol.

#14

The Japanese amazed me on how much is left unsaid.

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#15

How appreciative and open ppl from other cultures are. Dating someone from the same culture it seems things are expected. But when dating someone from another culture, once those initial boundaries come down and the understanding gets better. There’s a whole new level of appreciation, communication and care afterwards.

I definitely recommend.

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#16

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Realizing “normal” is just “what your family does.”.

#17

Am American and husband is Italian. Italians are known to be expressive and very forward with their emotions but I had to teach my husband to bring his expression of frustration down a few notches.

Despite our stereotypes of being more prone to physical violence, Americans don’t do well with open hostile confrontations that involve a lot of yelling whereas Italians tend to get in screaming matches then go back to acting like eveything is normal.

He’s had to learn to approach me (and others here) in a more cooled off manner.

On the flipside, I’ve had to learn to center food, food-related activities, and etiquette in my life. Quickly eating a meal alone before getting back to business is normal for Americans, but operating in this way seems to make Italians SAD.

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#18

Im southern European, dated a Swede for 7 years.

The thing that annoyed me the most and ended the relationship was that “Well look into it” and “Let’s see” basically mean a polite no to them. For me, it literally meant let’s figure it out and find a compromise.

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#19

Dated an indian and its shocking how the family just show up always uninvited and no one seems to mind, middle of business calls they just welcome you in.

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#20

Dated a Chinese (shang) girl and her parents did NOT like my darker skin color.

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#21

Trinidadian married to a Dane. I had to get used to how low-key everything is here when it comes to celebrating things. In Trinidad it doesn’t matter how big or small, every gathering is essentially a party with tons of food and alcohol and music, and people typically hang out for hours and hours. In Denmark, unless it’s a super special occasion like an anniversary dinner or a birthday luncheon, gatherings are super laid back. No music, no alcohol, and usually only finger foods and coffee/tea. It was…difficult getting used to it lol.

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#22

Attitude to being sick. Partner was Indonesian, and in their culture when a child is sick, the whole household revolves around them. So when they were sick, expected me to completely drop everything thing and spoil them. When I was sick as a kid, the phrase I recall from my parents was ‘you are not going to die’ – and apart from being made comfortable, everyone carried on normally. Caused alot of friction, as they thought I was uncaring, I thought they were attention seeking.

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#23

My wife is Icelandic.

I didn’t know she was quite seriously religious and not just mildly Christian adjacent until after we were married because “that’s not your business.” Er, all right. Did you not want anything in the ceremony, or… (she did not)

Icelanders are what Americans would read as deeply passive aggressive but what they would read as carefully nonconfrontational. This has caused some issues. No one voices that there’s a problem coming down the line until it’s about to explode.

We had a time and a half actually getting together because, on top of both being carefully nonconfrontational, they expect clear blunt communication about important positive things. I thought she didn’t really like me for the longest time, but she was just really deeply confused because I didn’t on our third time hooking up announce “We are dating now” or similar. I am now aware that the typical mating ritual for the ice people is to sleep together a lot, have a kid or three, and then declare that you’re maybe going steady.

It’s like marrying into The Sovereign Kingdom of Asperger’s. Until they get drunk at the family party, in which case it becomes The Sovereign Kingdom of Confessional Ravers.

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#24

As a western person, i’m used to independent women working high end jobs being very anti traditional gender roles. Dated a bulgarian girl and she was very independent and working a high end job, yet was very traditional, wanting a man to do all the ‘man’ stuff (like take out the bin, fight anyone who looked at her wrong, order for her at meals, etc.) and for her to do the ‘woman’ stuff (clean, cook, look after the kids, etc.) Was interesting.

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#25

Just how similar we are, despite growing up on different continents, with different religions.

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#26

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I’m going to call this a different culture.

I’m from New England and my ex was from the deep south.

The church culture for them is insane. Church is just were everything in the town is, all the meetings, all the social clubs, literally everything.

Growing up we only went to church in Christmas and Easter, but they actually go every Sunday and then again during the week several times for social functions.

#27

My Canadian sister was posted to Milan for two years. She claims she was surrounded by two dozen male colleagues who, in public, were all suave, worldly, socially confident and aggressive – but behind closed doors they almost inevitably turned into whiny, needy little momma’s boys.

Her boss, a divorced, 45 year old international bank executive, *actually sent his laundry back to his home village by bus every week , so his mommy could do his wash.* And once he asked my sister to sew a sleeve button back onto his $3,000 suitcoat ….*once*. She unleashed a few short, choice phrases of street Neapolitan she had been taught by her elderly neighbour and adoptive *nonno.*

Another colleague had a red-faced temper tantrum right in front of her, when he found out his sister had pneumonia and wouldn’t be dropping off his regular weekly allotment of homemade frozen dinners.

My sister quickly grew to be contemptuous of virtually all Italian men, simply on principle. She was offered a generously compensated two-year extension, but instead returned to Canada a couple of years ago. And she is still surprisingly gimlet-eyed and antagonistic toward any Italian-looking guy who *dares* try to chat her up.

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#28

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Dated an Indian, found out how enmeshed he was with his family and their expectations, to the extent he cried about having been born into Indian culture, constantly dragged down western culture and women despite living here and planning to stay on with citizenship. Also expected me to be best friends with his mother (who I had met once and who lived on the other side of the world) by asking me to harass her with phone calls and one-sided texts so she could feel ‘safe’ and get over her fear that I was stealing her son away.

#29

Vicks Vapor Rub.

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#30

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Americans in my view appear very confrontational and dramatic. I live in a culture where nobody acknowledges anything ever.

#31

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I whisper to my girlfriend “what are they fighting about”?

my girlfriend stops the dinner conversation to make an announcement in Italian, that the Canadian wants to know what the men are fighting about. everyone bursts out laughing.

the men explain they are not fighting but rather exchanging recipes.

then her mother invites me into the kitchen for a cigarette and flirts with me. i was 18.

they were Milanese transplants.

#32

The concept of ‘splitting the bill’ on the first date. In my culture, if you invite someone, you pay. But when I dated a Dutch guy, we split everything down to the price of a side of fries. It felt like I was doing my taxes, not going on a date.

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#33

Realizing your “normal” isn’t universal at all.

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#34

Dating a white American guy….the way he talks to his mother and siblings was SOOOO shocking! They’re so candid and loud and so quick with deep cut insults, but they laugh it off and move on in an instant. My Asian parents would smite me if I’d try something like that.

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#35

My eastern european man was very shocked with heavily spiced and seasoned food (southeast asian here) and the fact that I got surprised with unexpected gifts, barely ask for anything, and cannot express what I want directly.

All i wanted was food and spending time. And this still baffles him (we have been together for 5 years).

Also well, smiling all the time, to everyone. Southeast Asians are generally very happy and positive people, despite adversities. .

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